Gingers have no soul

There's a whole heap of shit that has gone down at work but I have another job so I'm hoping things get better.ill write about that another time.

Ill also write about North Korea and the possible invasion ( lol) but what I really want to talk about is something that happend yest.

The title of this rant/writing or whatever this is about is due to the fact I'm turning ginger.Basically I had a hair dye horror at Toni and Guy in Ulsan,that involved highlights that turned came out orange! I actually wrote a complaint letter to the head office at Toni and guy in London and got my money back but still,I'm left with minging hair.
Now,the having no soul part,well I have a married friend here in Korea,his wife being back in the states.we have been friends for a while.We had dinner last night I had a few drinks and after,when he drove me home he tried to kiss me!

For a second I allowed him to kiss me then I ran ( literally) away from the car into my apartment,he followed me I wouldn't open my door and talked to him over mobile.I told him to leave me alone,we should only be friends in groups or not at all.
I never thought I'd do anything like that,I am deeply ashamed.
We are going to meet up and talk about it tonight before meeting our mutual friends.Im hoping things can work out.

It's been a while

I've been putting off writing because it makes this real

First I stayed in my job as the other job the apartment was a crack den,I'm not joking it didn't even have a bed,I cought up with the other teacher who ran away he said he was there 6 months it never changed.

My job got better but then I got sick.ihad the nitoviris - I managed to get Into work but was sent to hospital by my boss. 2 days off with a sick note

Then I got a bacterial infection.my boss had a meeting where she wants to get rid of me because I'm too sick.an ex Korean staff member told me I was pretty livid.
In 6 months I've had 7 days off through genuine doctor confirmed sickness.
I received a text from my co worker telling me to get into work my boss was going to come to my apartment n let me go basically fire me.

I'm really not sure on what to do here if I get another job that's 2 months which leaves 4 left before contract is up.

Apart from that life in korea is well korea.crazy but im still glad im not in the uk the economy is worse lost the credit rating and jobs are difficult to come by.
im missing my mum,dad friends from home and food god I want a pasty lol.its hard sometimes ESP when I hear my sister is making things hard for them again I just want to tell her to sort her life out.I feel powerless I know if I was at home there would be nothing I could do but still.

I met a guy from England he was interesting we dated both liked each other but he wouldn't sleep with me just wanted to hug with a hard on.thats ok I was understanding but after a while I felt rejected. he wouldn't tell me why just he wasn't ready.i asked if there was anything i could do he said he just wasnt sexual,so I decided to let him go.I won't lie it is slightly damaging to my self esteem as in what's wrong with me?.I can sympathise when you hear stories of men cheating through lack of intamacy.still not right, but being laid there all horny feeling mentally and physically attracted after quite a few great dates n the person says no without a explanation is just confusing and makes you question what is wrong with you.

I've been drinking less which is good,I now feel like I'm in control towards the end of the night n i wont be hungover.

I've met some new friends which is always good, I've been talking more to my friend matt remember who I met at the airport when I was coming here? He's off to New Zealand in 4 months wondering if I should go.i just feel so stressed here now and bit weird.maybe this is that 6 month block people talk about we shall see.

PMDD wise I get so horny before my period I've started watching porn once a day around this time. I sort of feel I wish I didn't makes me feel lonely maybe that's the weird pmdd depression over analysing there I'm not sure.

I've been monitoring the feelings n symptoms,basically the more emotional symptoms I get the depression insecurity the more my sex drive increases,the more physical symptoms I get eg the pain n vomiting the less Horny and depressed I feel.Dont get me wrong, i still feel depressed its just not as intense as in i dont start crying at the drop of a jat seems to be taken over by physical symptoms.
So it's mainly physical or emotional.

I've started wearing glasses most of the time now.had to get new ones n I don't like how they look on me.how vain huh.the glased here are done while you wait on the same day which is amasing.had my eye test then in 30 mins new glasses.

It's getting warmer in korea I'm looking forward to that I can't wait for the summer I like the heat and ill be able to go to the beach

I've started eating and enjoying more Korean food which is good.still can't eat kimchi or octopus.they eat octopus that is alive here too that upsets me.the tentacles stick to the cheeks and tonsils.

Oh totally random but I think my Korean friend who is male-English name jay has a hand fetish he tells me how much he loves my hands and strokes them.i don't mind. having fetishes of my own l,I understand so I let him look at them for a bit.if it gets bad like he tries to suck my fingers or something them ill do something.lol it's funny really makes me laugh.

Other things that have made me smilr on you tube n such the Harlem shake funny and so silly so much better then gangnam style which I'm happy to say is dying finally!

Fuck you 2012

I'm having a little bit of a cry as I write this. I'm glad this year is over.I can honestly say it's been one of the most challenging of my life.

The worst parts in no order
Not having a job/having one that was soul sucking
Having to cut my sister off due to her damaging influence
Seeing the effect my sisters behaviour had on my family.
My best friend moving to London
A housemate moving in that was such a control freak my friends didn't want to visit plus was so filthy he attracted mice into the house.
Having a panic attack due to stress,the doctor telling me I was too sick to work.
Having Pre cancer cells in my civix removed -again
Finding out I have PMDD
my auntie dying- horrific
My friend dying- total shock and horrific
My dog dying- bonnie a member of our family for 16 years she will be missed
Moving to korea ( the stress of culture shock and to be honest the fear of arriving,leaving my friends and family)
being used by guys
My ex matt cutting me off while I was in korea.
When paul died and it was his birthday in november.i contacted people who have been there for me at a time when i needed someone.I sent him a email basically saying that.I received one back saying he realises he still loves me and can no longer have me in his life, even as a friend.told me never to contact him again. ( a horrible thing for both of us. as I thought we were great friends,we have a bond that I thought was a true friendship.Now it's no longer there.I feel guilty because I hurt him even though it wasn't intentional.now I feel like he's died too.dramatic I suppose but as I can't talk to him our our mutual friends its a great loss to me as well as him)
Turning 28 and feeling like a looser as I don't have a relationship,house of my own etc
Missing my friends and family while living abroad and feeling lonely.
Overall a general feeling of depression lack of security and loss.

In the spirit of looking forwards.

Highlights
Passing my counselling course,knowing I now have what I need for a masters in counselling.
moving to korea-I needed to make money for my future that's exactly what I'm doing.
meeting a bunch of great people
Realising how lucky I am to have people in my life that are special.
Starting life coaching and knowing I am just a little closer to my goals.
New Year's Eve on the beach watching the first sunrise in korea whilst witnessing hundreds of Koreans running towards the freezing sea swimming to greet the rising sun.
Realising that I am a fighter,if I keep fighting then one day I might just win,if I don't I know I've given it my all,fuck anyone who looks down on me for that,or not having material possessions/ a conventional life.

I hope that 2013 brings something different,after all I will do everything in my power to ensure this happens

So fuck you 2012 you did your worst and I'm still standing.to quote gone with the wind ( a amazing film) "tomorrow is another day"

Update

Been ages since I wrote in this.lots has been happening.

First I've enrolled on a life coaching course in Australia.

second I've handed in my notice at my job and got a new one.This is what happened.
She illegally took and with held 300,000 of my wages after saying she wouldn't.which meant my Christmas vacation to Tokyo was ruined. then she told me my holidays included weekends and public holidays! Then she shouted at me like I was a child for putting the wrong thing in recycling.if she gave me more time between lessons instead of 10 mins 5 in most cases then I wouldn't make such a silly mistake as I have lots to do in that short period of time.

I told her it was illegal what she was doing with the money and holidays she said it wasn't! I told her that I wanted my money back and she said no there was nothing she could do n she did this with every employee including the Koreans.

I told her to check with the labor board and told her that the scam she is pulling about including the weekends is a well known korean scam by hagwon owners as they think they are above the.law. No where in my contract does it state i work weekends,only.monday to friday. Also the reason she calculates to.include the weekends as holiday is to reduce the daily rate from 115k a day to a mere 75k.

I then looked her up online and found Stacy likes to.commit fraud on her employees embezzeling them the tax office and pension aswell. My friend Told me and he knows because he sued them,thats why mr kim lost all his academies and had to sell.them off due to tax pension fraud on his employees and business.

I have been in contact with a lawyer here and reported her to the labor board where each in infringement carries a minimum of 20million won fine.

After all she has done to me,she had the cheek to request an apology letter from me for getting angry with her and asking for my rights as a employee.

I don't think so.I will never apologise for something I haven't done.

Other then that I met a totally hot guy who ticks all my boxes,but he's shy and reluctant to start something as he is leaving in 6 months which is fine.Such a shame tho

Had a good birthday and Christmas.I just miss my friends and family

Homesickness

I had a great weekend.I went out with Ben and my Korean friend.Went to a Chinese restaurant Korean style of course :)

went to a bar called JJs was benchwarmers.tons of foreigners in there.Met this guy from London who has the same birthday as me small world huh? So we were talking about London and such, Sunday came,I did my usual which is cleaning the apartment and doing my washing.
I put music on just as I would at home,little dragon came on.A woosh of memories suddenly had the first major homesickness since coming here.I miss my friends massively.Cruz in particular,we used to live together I just wanted to go to his room chill out maybe have a spliff.
It's so annoying that I can't smoke in Korea,it's the time when I need it the most.

So I laid on my bed closed my eyes and imagined how my room used to look.
my throws from Camden market on my walls,my candles lit,incense burning looking at my photos,and art prints,Escher Dali giger,my books My little cactus plants,glitter lamp making pretty patterns on the wall,my lap with a pink piece of material over the top,to me a real chilled out kick ass atmosphere.

Me and Cruz would smoke a spliff listen to jeff Buckley little dragon war paint fink etc just talk about anything.I really miss that connection.I miss my room,I miss cooking..oh how I miss cooking.Every Sunday I'd do a roast.
Roast chicken,vegetables,mash potato cheesy,roast potatoes,Yorkshire pudding.
For desert I'd bake a pie or rice pudding.

I'm going to miss my family friends and cooking so much at Christmas.I wish I could go home for a visit but it's not going to happen.i only get Xmas day off then 5 days at new year.

Well in the plus in 2 weeks I will have done 3 months.Im still debating wether to do this life coaching course for oz I think I should I could use it anywhere in the world most counsolers cvs have life coaching on there I think it's a good thing to do to show I've been doing something with my time other then just living abroad.

I'm 28 in a few days n Im going to feel weird on that day.ill be glad when this year is over.I think I can honestly say this year has been one of the most challenging of my life.My friend dying,then my auntie dying,having no money,living with a complete slob and his kid who he moved in,he was so dirty he attracted mice! my sister being so fucked in the head i had to cut off from her,moving to Korea,finding out I have PMDD,add to that bad dates and meeting wanker guys

Actually PMDD time is now,fuck this explains the mood.I should focus on positives.I can do life coaching course while saving to do a course.I can start applying in the new year.My life now has options one of them doing a masters in something I am very passionate about,or travel plans to audtralia even if I can't afford to study there I can still get a visa and try to work as a life coach or another job.

I have met some great people here and I'm starting to feel like I have some pretty good qualities I heard a Irish girl and a few guys talking about me before I made my presence known.they said how sweet and genuine I am.At home I try to not show how nice I am straight away.reason being I've been walked over not treated with respect and generally thought less of. as though beingnice is a weakness.

Underwater bedroom!

I've just got back from Karaoke room great fun. You hire out a room,get beer and snacks n just sing ( badly in my case) to your favorite songs. They have tons of cool lighting tambourines  n stuff. good times.

had a pretty cool night all round.started off went out for dinner, ended up at Bennigans a restaurant that has now closed in America,however made it over to Korea and is thriving? anyway.I had my steak.. oooh how I've missed steak.. medium rare with potato,felt so good .  Ben my American friend almost came in his pants when he saw a Monte Cristo( my dyslexic brain cant figure out how to spell at this hour)  on the menu! being British, I had no idea what it was.
Basically a fried sandwich, having tasted the delights of a fried mars bar,my curiosity was sparked,I watched it come out in all its fatty glory,my friend unable to contain the excitement.He looked like a kid at Christmas... bless.I sampled it just before my food arrived. tastes sweet,fatty and oh so good. I couldn't manage more then two but defiantly have it again.

 Im home now, its 6 am, the good thing about korea everything opens till stupid oclock,I like it, allows you to be spontaneous, want to buy something at 10pm no problem,also gives different options other then clubbing.
I'm in my apartment now, just wacked the heating on ( so cold here I have to layer when venturing outside yet the cold still penetrates,consequently my apartment is a ice box. lucky I have underfloor heating) sat here in my many layers while I wait for it to thaw, Im I looking at my friends from home face book page.Des from college has posted this underwater hotel room. Oh my fucking god I want to go there! its in Fiji, just imagining the sharks swimming past,all the other wicked creatures,what an experience, the slight downside is lack of sleep, assuming I was with a partner, the time would be taken up with amasing sex talking and taking in the beauty.
I used to want a honeymoon in Italy, or a romantic trip there, now I want this, followed by diving,and paragliding..I imagine figi is simply breathtaking.. lol,chances are slim to non,but I can dream... :D www.poseidonresorts.com/ ......ahhh yes please

face hugger

I feel the need to write about this night terror I had.
 it happened around 4am. I was having a nightmare about the face hugger from alien, I woke up and saw it on my bed next to me! I freaked out, frozen in fear,I couldn't even scream.

I managed to move after a few minuets,rolled myself on to the floor and  woke myself up properly. I felt relief, then suddenly very alone.I put the laptop on and watched some adult swim. I dont know what happend but I started to cry...crying and watching cartoons how sad.

I just wanted another person there who understood. I remember when this used to happen in relationships. Id try not to wake them, sometimes if it was really bad, such as this with the face huger episode, id roll over and hug my boyfriend.they used to moan though as I get so warm it would wake them up.

anyway, so yeah,back to the tears watching cartoons. miles away from my friends and parents, the recent date disaster, the fact Ive been single over 2 years,  thoughts such as will I ever find someone who can put up with these weird night terrors or understands? coupled with the PMDD is it really too much to ask of someone? on a PMDD day it would be mood swings,lots of sex and then potentially being woken up at night by me dreaming then seeing something fucked up. Why have that when you can have a normal girlfriend with a regular sex drive, their worst sleep issue would be drool?.

 I used to feel so bad  just laid there with my partner next me waiting for my mind to let me sleep. worried that my body heat might wake them and partly feeling guilty that I didn't like how I couldn't hug them.
id sometimes wish I was actually alone, or that my partner understood so it would be ok to go downstairs and  watch tv or get a comforting hug without feeling guilt. In saying all that  id prefer that odd mix of emotions then have that nothingness.

I got to sleep at 6 am. I was up again at 9. I didnt have the best quality of sleep and my eyes felt puffy from the tears.

I think this highlights that I feel stressed, the night terrors seem to come about when theres some unrest somewhere in my life, even if its just sleeping somewhere new,that seems to trigger it too.
also highlights that i'm feeling lonely, left behind. Another one of my friends got married,my friend Sarah is buying a house with her boyfriend its all strange.

yet I know that I have time, I don't want to rush anything,rationally theres a world of opportunity I cant help but feel this way.

I had to get a teddy picture of the face hugger,looking at the real one was just too freaky. why the fuck would you buy this as a cuddly toy?