PMDD

It's 4am Had a dream about my ex and i can't sleep I have cramps and I feel deflated.

I haven't had a dream about graham in a year or something.it was recalling the last conversation we had when he said "do I really want to be with someone this moody before their period"
even though I'd never want him back In my dream this over whelming fear came over me that I might not be loved due to this condition I think basically due to his rejection.

I know that this insecurity is all part of the hormone change,but I hate it.It feels real at this moment in time.Im really fighting now to stop myself going down a spiral linking things together.

My ex matt when I'd feel over emotional would give me a hug,let me cry,tell me he loved me.it worked even though I knew due to his mild autism he didn't fully understand.
I suppose that's what I need now,unfortunately I'm single.

Another example of this over sensitivity its crying over TV shows. I'm odd that I don't cry at romantic comedies,but strange things set me off.
This time Dr Who pushed my buttons .I'll admit I would normally feel compassion for a character in a tv show,even if its a cartoon.Disney walle aww.the tears only come when I'm pmdd.

In this -dr who set in the future the world had burnt.
England had captured the last in the species of a alien creature that could travel through space.thus saving humanity by humans piggy backing on him.
Anyway,turns out that this alien had given itself freely.they weren't aware and had been torture it for hundreds of years in the believe that's what they needed to do to ensure it didn't eat them or whatever.
They stop with the torture,the alien stops screaming and they end up travelling faster.happy ending
It's totally retarded that this made me cry,it's a creature that doesn't even exist! :s

I'm working on the emotions that come with pmdd,hopefully ill look back at this and I will have improved.

Nick the prick

I expect politcians to lie,however when I voted Lib Dem I thought they would stay true to at least the pledge of not rising tuition fees.


Doesn't look like hes getting a that spine transplant anytime soon,instead of standing up to Cameron  he issued this apology.

Sorry just isnt good enough. This video made me laugh though. 

Going to Korea

This time I wanted minimal fuss. I feel it's better for me this way. I didn't do well last time with the goodbyes,my friends said goodbye individually which was nice.

my friend from my counselling course sent a card to my parents house.

It helped with my fear of being lonely,and ability to do the job.I do think it's natural to have these fears I am going to live abroad for a year.im trying to be positive,i hope it works.

Hot guys and my brain

Recently I started talking to this very hot guy online.

This guy used to be in the airforce and was stationed in Korea,so we started talking about that,which led on to what he's doing now,interests etc.
He's a investment banker and life coach,lives in washington dc,but is from Florida.hes also attends lots of fund raisers for various charities,writes his own songs and plays guitar.mmmm
( I verified this through a google search bad I know but you never know didn't want to be talking to a compulsive liar)

Well,by this point I was defiantly interested in chatting more,so we agreed to Skype.

Then . Holy shit not only is he interesting,he's hot,really hot,to the point where I regress to being a 16 year old with a crush!.this is where me and my brain are no longer friends.

My brain is saying " eep he's so cute,bet he's got a great body what would he look like naked and he's fascinating,"

My mouth trying not to say these things attempts to have a regular conversation.

I begin to smile a lot,like a special child and say things like "thats interesting" and open questions to limit my talk time. till I can beat my brain into submission.
All the time hoping he doesn't comment on my continuous smiling and general stupid behaviour.

he told me it was cute and he liked my accent ( I don't get that, but hey anything that distracts for my annoying ness is a plus)

So,we were talking actually while he was at work,we were talking for hours in between him doing bits of work of course.
Then it turns out everyone had gone home,then he admitted he had googled my name and found my model portfolio.

Feeling pretty embarrassed,as I have done Mostly glamour and nude modelling he told me I looked beautiful,I knew he was single as id just added him on Facebook.

We started flirting,he asked me to send him the pictures and go see him in DC.Things got pretty hot he told me he was getting excited ( yes! Sexually adventurous and confident too) I said we should have Skype sex in a few months if things progress.he was pretty happy with that lol.

This is ace.but I won't get the time till next year,plus it might be just a physical thing with the distance.Nothing will probably come of it.ill still visit just to nothin rather take chances then never find out.

Plus I want to see the white house,museums and galleries.so even if it goes wrong never mind.

Im writing this I suppose this is diary worthy as I'm surprised a guy can still have that effect on me. honestly hasn't happened in ages.

September 11th

This Tragic event still feels unreal.

I was 16 it was my first day of college.That morning I was so nervous but I knew Paul was going to be there it made me feel better.

That afternoon me,Paul and new people on the course who would become our friends Ben, James,Gary and Michelle were walking from college to the centre of Skipton via the canal.Added a picture as its quite scenic I think .

James then got a call,his friend shouting "someone's attacking America"
Me and Paul looked at each other as if to say "as if ".

We were then instructed to stay put,  as James friend  ran from his mums flat telling us to see for ourselves.

So there we were,me Paul and people we had just met a few hours earlier, stood in a strangers flat with the guys mum still in her dressing gown  watching the first tower burning.

Then the second plane hit.shock I made a weird noise Paul said oh my god.

James -people are falling
Paul interrupted with simply 'jumping'.
I actually wanted to cry but the tears didn't come.I'll never forget seeing those poor people choosing to jump.

when the towers fell.we were in shock, just stood there for a few minuets, we didn't actually say anything to the mum, or each other and left.
We  didnt talk  much on the walk back to college.james came out with
"what happens now"
 "war" Paul said it first.
Walking back to college was strange.I felt connected to these people,we had witnessed something terrible.of course up on our return there were no lessons we were told to go home.


I'll never forget that day.such a tragic loss.I do not agree with the conspiracy theories,there was a documentary on channel 5 about it today,I mean really channel 5, come on! this wasn't the government blowing up their own people.I hope one day those stupid theories stop,and let the families put it to rest as best they can.
 The fact is that a large number of people lost their lives its wrong to glorify this by self serving fake stories

it also makes me think about the terror attacks in London,it was the summer holidays my first year of uni, I was working in a call centre in Manchester when the phones were shut down, we were told what happened.Again shock, but panic this time as I have family in london I began to ring round my relations frantically to see if they were ok. Luckily they were.
 Once I got back to my exs mums where we were both living for the summer I saw on the news the buses and attacks on the tube. Just horrific.

I have been thinking about Paul a lot today. I never thought then that 11 years he wouldn't be around.I miss him.

Olympics and Paralympics

Since I've been living at home for a few weeks before I go to Korea my depression seems to be lifting.the pressure of living with a stoner,paroniod housemate who attracted mice,plus having no job must have been getting to me more then I thought.
Anyway i watched all the Paralympics and finally felt positive emotions.:D

I'm proud of the representation of my country in these games,and particularly proud of our medals and the paralympics.I just wish I could have enjoyed them more.i should have realised I was depressed

I  feel there has been a change in the way dissability is viewed.it was quite emotional watching the Athletes achieve great feats despite their difficulties.the physical and inner strength they have is inspiring.

It has been the most successful Paralympics to date.well done Britain :)
I particularly enjoyed the closing ceromony  with cold play and the fantastic fireworks display.

Why I've been feeling nothing-depression

I went to the doctors to talk about the PMDD,he suggested I take the anti depressant all month and not just the two weeks before as he feels I'm depressed.
It would explain the lack of feeling,especially around the Olympics the opening and closing ceremony showed everything I love about britian and why I am proud of this little island.
I should have also been very proud that gold medals were won by athletes from Yorkshire,where I was brought up.we actually won more medals as a county then Australlia..but I was numb nothing.
I'm trying not to take the tablet.I dont like the idea of Doxipin but at least it might kill my sex drive for a while.Being single and having a high sex drive is never good,especially as I only intend on sleeping with men who I am in a relationship with.

this realisation has come at a bad time as I am going to live in Korea soon.
I just hope the busyness of trying to carve a life for a year will help.
I have the tablets anyway,I'll find the name for them in Korean.
I'm determined to make this work.I've had depression before and eventually got through it,I can do it again.
I admit it will be hard what with the added complication of PMDD making things terrible during the week before,as long as I remind myself it's the hormones and the depression I should be ok.