He may look like a fraggle rock reject ;) but, just like noel fielding,I have a definite crush. He's incredibly funny and intelligent,i'd love to see them do stand up together.
"Like tic needs a toc, like banana's need pajamas and a nun needs cock"
Everyones met a Storm. For those who struggle to think of one...its probably you. This type of personality does get my back up and he nails it perfectly.
I thought I'd talk about some of my favourite images i've taken over the past two years. I always know when im really down as I don't pick up my camera. I don't even think about photography.
To be creative in either film or photography I need to be happy, or surrounded by something that makes me want to take pictures.
there are few things wrong with this image. Its over exposed on the face of big ben and the right hand side. However, I still like this image. I took it with my friend and fellow photographer Alex. Good times.
`this I liked the look of a triangle within a triangle.I adore interesting architecture
I took this in korea. I was in meyodong and saw these guys. I thought it was funny how they all seem so serious bar the guy on the end, with his Buddha beads. If I can I like to capture moments.
My first attempt at long exposures. I like this shot. it brings back memories, me and my friend freezing our bums off trying again and again to get the perfect shot.
shot in cumbria Its a shame there is lens flare on this shot, the lighting is just perfect to me.
Clouds, I could look at them all day. This shot feels transitional to me, maybe its due to the fact when I took it I was moving from one place in my life to the next.
I suppose im trying to kick my ass into action and start taking photos again. I hope it works.
I've finished my counselling course,but can't find a job.I don't want to work in banking,I can't seem to get a job as a teaching assistant despite my charity work,degree,and experience working with children.
the job situation in the uk is 2.56 million,that's the people claiming unemployment.The actual figure could more,it doesn't include people claiming sickness benefit,students,people living in a couple where one works the other doesn't and people in training schemes.
I need money for a masters,but cannot take out a loan till I am employed.my dad has been made redundant,mums job is in the balance,I feel a failure that I can't help out.
My sister no longer talks to the family,including me ( thats a whole other story) so the pressure to be more then self sufficient,help my parents is frustrating.
I'd love to move to London to pursue my career however,this requires money plus the economy being the way it is it's a risk finding a job
So,what is the solution? The only way I can think of getting the finical aid I require is teaching English in Korea.within a year I could do bits of travel,save and work with kindies which I love.
Why Korea and not Thailand? Korea will pay for my flight out and back,pay me enough so I can save,help with medical insurance,free housing.
Thailand pays very little id be able to live there have a better living then the locals, but i wouldn't be able to save no flight,etc.
The problem? it's Korea! when I went before it was horrible,mainly due to my ex,I was deeply in love with him he told me I was the best thing to happen to him before I got on the flight cried etc.the next 2 months I spent working to pay off my flights and get back home.everyday I cried because I couldn't be with him.( theres way more to this story I'll blog about it later).this plus the culture shock,not knowing anyone out there,was just too much.
Truth is I'm scared it will happen again not the ex factor, but the lonely isolation. There is a large teacher community but how do I socialise with them? As a single person not there with friends,its hard. I thought about joining meet up groups and such.
This requires much thought.
I took this image while I was there before. At this moment I felt extremely lonely. This I felt captured that moment.
I view low self esteem as a virus. Yes you can get rid of the symptoms, however it lurks in the background, attacks normally when you are feeling not particularly great physically and mentally.
Its a vicious little virus that creeps up can change you from being happy, confident to a shadow of your former self.
On my counselling course we looked at self concept and self esteem. The simplest explanation is to look at how a baby elephant is trained.
Elephants in captivity are trained at a early age, not to roam. One leg of a baby elephant is tied with a rope to a wooden post planted in the ground.
The rope confines the baby elephant to a are determined bt the length of the rope. Initially the baby elephant tries to break free from the rope, but the rope is too strong.
the baby elephant "learns " that it cant break the rope.
When the elephant grows up and is strong it could easily break the same rope. However as it learned that it couldn't break the rope when it was young the adult elephant believes that it still cant break the rope so doesn't even try.
Humans operate in a similar way. We learned something about ourselves at a early age and still believe it now as a adult. even though it may not be true we operate as if it is.
Fortunately we can make conscious choices, as humans I think its our duty to change and grow throughout your life, and you can change how you perceive yourself for your own growth and better humanity.
We were given this excercise.
1 Write about what you learnt about yourself when you were young and from who?
2 which of these messages continue to dominate your thoughts today?
3 which of these messages support and which detract you're own confidence,happiness and satisfaction?
4 are these messages truth or simply a belief?
5 which messages do you want to change and improve your self-esteem
6 write new thoughts you choose to believe to support your positive self- esteem, confidence and happiness?
so my answers :
1 mother
- I was creative
- too thin
- not academic
- "soft"
- not as good as my sister
2 Father
- Creative
- warm hearted
- funny
- not as clever as my sister
The ones that dominate my thoughts today remain that Imo weird, creative,funny, absent minded, soft
The feelings that detract from my self esteem are the obviously weird ( although sometimes `i see this as a good thing) soft- ill explain that- my mum gets pushed around a lot as she has low self esteem herself and has always said to this day ' im soft so thats why it happens' . I think she was trying to make me feel better when i was younger by saying " your soft like me" maybe trying to say you have a kind heart and people take advantage. It came across as negative and I saw myself as weak and pathetic.
Although I am obviously not weak or pathetic I do have days when these thoughts come back.
Absent minded- I know that this again has a lot to do with dyslexia but I still get a little kick to the self esteem when I do something wrong if ive had a bad day. To me it means stupid.
positive to my self esteem are that i'm warm hearted, funny and creative.
These messages negative ones aren't my true self, they are thoughts and at times believes that pop up when im down, when the low self esteem virus kicks in.
this has been interesting doing this ex cerise makes me pin point where my negative feelings come from, see things in my parents that I wont repeat with my own children.
I always felt my sister was the intelligent one, I was always told your more creative then accademic so thats what I chose my degree in etc. If I had have had more encouragement I think I would have chosen phycology. I remember when i told my mum i wanted to study this at A level she laughed and said " are you sure you can do that"
Also my mums lack of self esteem impacted me. I felt unattractive and too thin as a teenager as she told me I looked too thin regually, this is something I heard her say about herself from a very young age.
I think its because she was bullied at school for being tall and thin ( kids are weird)
I will tell my kids they can do anything they put their minds to, do my best to give them a positive self image, and not favour one child over the other.
My parents were very good, im sure my kids will write things about my parenting in the future about mistakes i have made. I just hope these arent included.
Im not one of those slushy romantics,that childish -buy you fluffy bunny on valentines day type.I don't believe in prince charming, or finding my mr big ( sex in the city reference,I despise that show)
I'd call myself a 'realist romantic'.To give you a indication of what I mean here.I once said to my ex Matt I don't want a perfect relationship,I just want you. I then bought him something unique to him that I knew would be special.
So it was a surprise When I liked 'she will be loved' by maroon 5.its a typical pop song I wouldn't normally like but
I relate to it in two ways.it's how I used to feel about a friend of mine.he was in a realationship,she would treat him terribly,no matter how i tried to show him he was worth more hed go back,until she eventually dumped him.this song also is how I'd like someone to feel about me,I do feel like a girl with a broken smile at times.
Despite having loving long term relationships,I've never really felt properly appreciated,and if I'm honest beautiful.
Sure my ex's have said it a few times,although they mainly used cute sexy,pretty etc
people in general have said it more but it's come across as hollow,I think it's just a word people just throw out there its over used.So when someone says it without really knowing me,or there's no feeling behind it e.g: 'you look beautiful..now let's go' it doesn't register.
I spotted the difference when a close friend once said I was beautiful.I could tell she meant it,in the true sense of the word. I was so humbled.
I've had enough. Men recently only seem to want me for one thing.
Over the past two years I've dated 3 men. The most recent Lazlo,he's from hungary but moved to the uk when he was a child.
We dated during that time we talked about pretty much everything,what we wanted from a relationship.his past experiences,family life future.so I was pretty confident he was genuine.
Then we had sex,the next day he left then I get a text saying " sex was amasing etc"
Confused I said wtf are you just looking for sex?
He said he wasnt sure?!? I told him where to go.
I was/still am upset about this.that these guys lie to get what they want and assume I will have justsex with them even though I want a relationship they knew this from the start.makes me. Feel worthless,like my personality means nothing.
to them,i feel I'm just a pretty size 8 woman who's good in bed to be used till they have had enough and get a real girlfriend.
I've worked hard to become the person I am,ive challenged myself on many levels,re built myself,over come things most people never have to deal with.faced demons.i know who I am,what my morals are I I am stronger then most people realise, just because I have a kind,giving personality doesnt mean Im someone to walk over or a easy target.
equally because I'm open minded when it comes to sex doesn't mean Im not marraige or gf material,that i am less of a person,or to be used as some sort of sexual experimentation till they find a boring girl and have missionary once a blue moon if she feels like it.
So to un complicate my life, I'm thinking of becoming celibate, well at least till i meet the guy that I fall for.
I'm an atheist,not doing it to save my soul it's just what I need to do I think,to reset the shit heads and restore my faith in men.
It will be very difficult but if it saves me this pain it's worth it
This is what I did to get over my ex.I believe you are going through genuine feelings of grief and loss when a important relationship ends.you have lost your best friend,lover and a future you had planned together.
I don't think people understand that it's a process to recover,I got people saying just put on a happy face,things will come right,date other guys,don't get upset just power through.they all meant well but this I knew wouldnt work for me.
Stage 1 denial- this is natural,the love of your life has just told you it's over.shock kicks in.thoughts of "it can't be, they will realise what a mistake they have made and come back".you may even make excuses for the poor behaviour - I did this,I even blamed myself for his cheating!
Stage 2- it's over! the kitchen floor reset. ( see Russell Kay in a earlier post for this) basically it's where you hit rock bottom,all the emotion comes out,you end up in your flat,at ur mums in a sobbing mess the type of crying where you manage one word a minuet.
at this stage you need to grieve your loss. have friends around you for support.i listened to the cure pictures of you and let it out.
Stage 3 anger- this is good,healthy use it to do the most important and hardest thing cutting them off.delete them from fb, twitter ( lets be honest if they use twitter they are a tit anyway, oh you've been for a piss..how fascinating pale or dark yellow..please).
delete their number,get rid of photos etc. This stops social network stalking( yes you would,we have all done it) and drunk dialling, crying over pics when pissed,which puts you back a stage ( I know myself well enough that getting rid of number and pics was done in stage 2).you are now living in the present.it's time to focus on what makes you happy.looking at their profiles and pics will pre long the pain.don't believe me? Think you can be friends? Imagine the hurt when you see changed status, seeing them all loved up? or pics of someone you think is their new bit of stuff save yourself the pain.delete and block. Music I listened to Ludo love me dead
,
and fink- all cried out
This was so hard for me to cut off.I attach emotions and memories to objects.I still have birthday cards from my 21st and toys from when I was little mum wants to throw away but I keep them.so you can imagine how hard it is getting rid of things that were once so dear to me.it almost put me back to kitchen floor territory,I had to keep hold of that anger to do it.
Facebook took me a hour to get rid of him,for me that was the ultimate it's over.I even deleted my account for a month to avoid all the questions,just contacted a few close friends who I could trust to support me as to what was going on.
Stage 4- depression.I had lots of emotions in this stage.I felt over whelmed,sadness,anxiety,fear that I wouldn't find anyone new etc. I avoid drinking it made me feel 10 times worse,talk to friends family or even short term therapy,try to keep busy or find a new hobby.
Stage 5- you might want to tell people what you've been through this is good and therapeutic.for me I did this but I struggled to figure out why this happened, why someone I loved and put so much effort into making it work could suddenly be so cold.
Your ex may try to make contact,its been a while,they might not like being cut off,the attention you gave them is no longer there they might want it back,They might try to do the friends thing or you might be tempted to make contact for answers.don't keep busy,even if it's the thought that they are now the ones waiting on your news that stops you good.your building your new life,without them.
Don't be tempted to have a relationship too soon,rebounds never work,you are likely to compare them to your ex alot this isn't fair on you or them.
Stage 6- acceptance that its over,your new life and increased self esteem.this is a nice stage.I realised I was over him when I had genuine feelings for another man,thoughts of him with another woman no longer bothered me.if I saw him in the street wouldn't look twice.
I had new goals in place and a new life.
Ito properly get to acceptance it took me a year.I did slip back a stage early on,what I did was write down everything that annoyed me about him,bad points about the relationship.they are not the one,not a perfect person,the reality is especially if they have cheated or physically hurt you,you are a million times better then them.
I don't know who will read this, but it's done me good writing out my process,if someone stumbles across it and it helps them great.
This man broke my heart like I've never had before,I literally felt like someone had died.
We had a great relationship but even before I met him I had plans to teach abroad, he knew this,I always felt like he was holding back.
I was falling for him,i thought it was a good thing i was leaving as un requited love is terrible.
At the airport he cried told me he didn't know how he could live without me,that I'd changed his life,that I was unique,he told me I love you,although apparently I love ya and I love you are different things.this will make sense later.
So I was stuck I desperately wanted to stay,I took out the contract school had given me.id have to pay 2k for the cost of the flight,admin for them recruiting another teacher etc.
I cried as I didn't have the money.not only that,I had given up my house,job,I had very little in my account to start a new life in London with him.( he shared a house,rented a room there was no way I could live with him,he didn't have the money to move )
So away I went in tears telling him id be back and I loved him.
I cried on the flight there,travelling to my school and when I got to my apartment.
The next 2.5 months I spent working and socialising very little saving so I could buy myself out of my contract and get home.
During this time I had lost lots of weight due to stress and the diet 2 dress sizes.
I got back to the uk flew into London to see him first he was the only person i wanted to see.
He was off,I knew from his hug.we went back to his room had sex then he told me he had been "loose" while I had been away.he said they meant nothing had " expiatory dates".I started getting upset. He said it wouldn't have happened had I not gone away he was trying to fill a hole I had left.
Then he told me he was engaged to someonelse the first 4 months of us being together!! He was with her 5 years,he met me and thought I was so wonderful he'd leave her for me.I didn't know this was happening.
He then went on to say for this reason I can't commit because he was worried this might happen with me!?! I was a mess by this point crying I felt like I was in a bubble.
Then he went to work I was locked in the flat.I was looking at images of us on his laptop and found a album next to ours called me and avril in London images of the two of them hugging holding hands etc,dated a few days after I left the country.
I just cried on the bed for hours literally till he came home.it was concrete proof it was more them a sex thing he was having a relationship with her,looking at his fb she was from Canada so how that got started I dont know,but it must have been going on a while.
When he came home I couldn't get the words out my life had been stripped away within a day,I was jet lagged,lost and confused with nowhere to go.
He gave me a half arsed hug and said remember I deserve someone who is strong.I pushed away said I am stronger then you know.
He then said I'll be honest I don't love you now but could In the future.he turned away when he told me he was going to a festival with a girl who came into his record shop 2 weeks before I got back " they connected because she had the same taste in vinyl " but nothing was going to happen even tho she liked him and they were going alone together and she fancied him.
Of course I didn't trust him I told him not to go if there was anything between us we needed to build the trust back up
.he then dumped me because I didn't trust him saying trust then a relationship and he also added " I've got to ask myself do I really want to be with someone who gets this moody before their period" then as I was crying said " it's for the best ive broken too many hearts this year" he also said I love ya and I love you are very different,and I miss understood him.what was I meant to think? Tears-I don't know how I can live without you,changed my life? then I love ya with a tearful squeezing hug?
I'd given up a job I liked abroad, my travel plans,for nothing.I now had no job bf or a place to go.
I had to go to my parents.I felt rejection,loss,failure on a huge scale,it took few weeks for it to sink in what had happened.
On top of this my sister had sold all my stuff,the things I left in her safe keeping while I was abroad.
I had to re build my life,it took 6 months to get over it,even then I didnt date,it took a year before I went on a date where I trusted enough to think I was worth loving,and the guy was worth my time.
He used to say that my exs didnt show me my worth, he destroyed any self esteem I had,by far the worst I have been treated by any man.
I loved him with every fiber of my being I could have married him and had his children,the only man I've ever truly felt that way about,despite 2 exs asking to marry me.
I deleted him from fb I actually deleted my account for a month ,got rid of everything he ever gave me,deleted him from my life like he never existed.
I never told him how much he hurt me,I couldn't bring myself to do it. I might do it now nearly two years on to get some closure.I suppose I just want to know what was going on in his head why he did it.
At least I learnt from the experience, used it to move forward as ive done with other past experiences.
I have great getting over a broken heart guide. I hope that I never have to follow that list or pass it on,Boone should ever have to go through it
I think I see things in a different way to most people I know.
The first one is relationships.
I find it difficult to truly click with a guy,but I know quickly if there is something there within the first meeting.most people think this doesn't happen that it's simply lust.incorrect,I know the difference.the 3 men I've loved been in long relationships with I had this connection,my intuition will let me know when it's there again.
I feel like dandelion spawn,happily floating around until I find something I connect with I remain until something happens to send me on my way.
I do want to settle,I believe in marriage creating a strong family unit.
I have goals,having a career helping people in some way being a therapist,teacher im studying for now or working for a charity ( I currently work voluntarily for child line,if I can't do this as a paid position I'll continue working for free).photography I'd love to be able to use these skills or my degree at some point.
Above all that, At the risk of sounding like a crazy bradjalina baby collector I want to be a mother.
finding the person who gets me vice versa is important,to present a united front,get through the Bad times.
I know one of my friends has settled through fear of being alone.he doesn't understand my point of view on this.
lust and sex.I've always had a high sex drive and been open minded.
this has been a problem when I've been single( I'm proud to say I've never cheated).I have my toys,porn but sometimes when there is no sex in the foreseable future- this isn't enough,when it gets to the 6 month mark it's torture.
i have had fuck buddies and one night stands in the past to satisfy the urge
.I think it's this,that makes me see sex differently. Sex can be just a act of raw lust and instinct.get what you want and leave. I have never hugged,held hands etc.It sounds cold but why dress it up to be something it's not?
Hugging,holding hands to me is something I do when I'm in a relationship. Then sex is lustful,passionate and meaningful.
I also would prefer a bf to cheat on a one night stand, then develop real feelings for someone even if they did nothing but kiss and cuddle.it's the emotional connection that makes it different.To me this makes the betrayal a million times worse.
I also don't have a problem with a bf going to a strip club.I've trusted the exs that went to clubs and ive gone with them a few times.
what most girls don't get that unless ur bf is drop dead Gorgeous,even then the chances of the stripper coming on to them is slim. I have stripper friends from what I've been told and seen, they view them as walking wallets.
If they are worried their bf will cheat it's far more likely in a regular club.
My friend thought I was crazy when she told me she was worried about her bf and I told her that.
There's loads more but I need sleep.
what im taking from this i know who I am,what I want .I'll probably float that way at some point,most likely when I least expect it
