Getting over the Ex

This is what I did to get over my ex.I believe you are going through genuine feelings of grief and loss when a important relationship ends.you have lost your best friend,lover and a future you had planned together.

I don't think people understand that it's a process to recover,I got people saying just put on a happy face,things will come right,date other guys,don't get upset just power through.they all meant well but this I knew wouldnt work for me.

Stage 1 denial- this is natural,the love of your life has just told you it's over.shock kicks in.thoughts of "it can't be, they will realise what a mistake they have made and come back".you may even make excuses for the poor behaviour - I did this,I even blamed myself for his cheating!

Stage 2- it's over! the kitchen floor reset. ( see Russell Kay in a earlier post for this) basically it's where you hit rock bottom,all the emotion comes out,you end up in your flat,at ur mums in a sobbing mess the type of crying where you manage one word a minuet.
at this stage you need to grieve your loss. have friends around you for support.i listened to the cure pictures of you and let it out.

Stage 3 anger- this is good,healthy use it to do the most important and hardest thing cutting them off.delete them from fb, twitter ( lets be honest if they use twitter they are a tit anyway, oh you've been for a piss..how fascinating pale or dark yellow..please).
delete their number,get rid of photos etc. This stops social network stalking( yes you would,we have all done it) and drunk dialling, crying over pics when pissed,which puts you back a stage ( I know myself well enough that getting rid of number and pics was done in stage 2).you are now living in the present.it's time to focus on what makes you happy.looking at their profiles and pics will pre long the pain.don't believe me? Think you can be friends? Imagine the hurt when you see changed status, seeing them all loved up? or pics of someone you think is their new bit of stuff save yourself the pain.delete and block. Music I listened to Ludo love me dead

,
and fink- all cried out

This was so hard for me to cut off.I attach emotions and memories to objects.I still have birthday cards from my 21st and toys from when I was little mum wants to throw away but I keep them.so you can imagine how hard it is getting rid of things that were once so dear to me.it almost put me back to kitchen floor territory,I had to keep hold of that anger to do it.

Facebook took me a hour to get rid of him,for me that was the ultimate it's over.I even deleted my account for a month to avoid all the questions,just contacted a few close friends who I could trust to support me as to what was going on.

Stage 4- depression.I had lots of emotions in this stage.I felt over whelmed,sadness,anxiety,fear that I wouldn't find anyone new etc. I avoid drinking it made me feel 10 times worse,talk to friends family or even short term therapy,try to keep busy or find a new hobby.

Stage 5- you might want to tell people what you've been through this is good and therapeutic.for me I did this but I struggled to figure out why this happened, why someone I loved and put so much effort into making it work could suddenly be so cold.
Your ex may try to make contact,its been a while,they might not like being cut off,the attention you gave them is no longer there they might want it back,They might try to do the friends thing or you might be tempted to make contact for answers.don't keep busy,even if it's the thought that they are now the ones waiting on your news that stops you good.your building your new life,without them.
Don't be tempted to have a relationship too soon,rebounds never work,you are likely to compare them to your ex alot this isn't fair on you or them.

Stage 6- acceptance that its over,your new life and increased self esteem.this is a nice stage.I realised I was over him when I had genuine feelings for another man,thoughts of him with another woman no longer bothered me.if I saw him in the street wouldn't look twice.
I had new goals in place and a new life.

Ito properly get to acceptance it took me a year.I did slip back a stage early on,what I did was write down everything that annoyed me about him,bad points about the relationship.they are not the one,not a perfect person,the reality is especially if they have cheated or physically hurt you,you are a million times better then them.

I don't know who will read this, but it's done me good writing out my process,if someone stumbles across it and it helps them great.

if I could go back ten years..

I've recently been contacted by my little cousin on facebook.Due to family problems ( her dad uncle Simon is a alcoholic which led to her mum segregating her from the family,which is understandable) we werent in contact while we were growing up.
She is just 16. Shes having troubles at the moment due to being bullied at school and going through the regular teenage insecurities. I tried to help her feel a little better by boosting her self esteem,and letting her know that she has many years of fun and adventure ahead.I'm not sure it had any effect but she seemed more positive after our conversation.

Later that night I thought if I could go back in time what would I tell the insecure,depressed 16 year old me.

I think Id start by saying you have as much right to be happy as everyonelse.trust your instincts,dont feel pressure to stick things out,when its not right you will know. ( I refer to relationships here,and my choice to continue with my degree. I knew deep down there was no future in them but I continued on in hope)

Its fine to experiment,but if your doing it to fill a hole,out of boredum and you feel your liking it too much Stop.I am talking here about my drinking and canabis smoking.

I grew up in a small run down town with little to do. The pubs served us underage and we took advantage. I was 16 when I first got hammered. I'll admit it was mostly out of being bored,it was the normal thing to do,and as a shy girl that had been bullied all though secondary school I just wanted to fit in.Instantly it filled a hole,numbed what I now know was depression.I then started smoking weed 6 months later.The first time I got high was at my auntie marys house in london. They are hippies,my auntie had just become t-total but my uncle smoked and still smokes weed, He gave some to me and my boyfriend a joint.I just thought wow, this I like, again it numbed me, After that me and my boyfriend got stoned on a regular basis.

two years later I began to think I could have a problem with drinking and weed. I would go out friday and saturday, get pissed before I hit the pub and get in such states I would often have little memory of what happened in the club. if it wasnt for my boyfriend and going out in a group something very bad could have happened.Even though everyone around me was the same,I just felt there was something wrong.
I think the eye opener was when I woke up on a sunday stinking of smoke ( back in those days you could smoke in clubs) still dressed, minus a shoe,staggerd to the bathroom threw up for what felt like a hour..
I needed the usual hangover cure which was a fry up, pint of orange,crackers and a joint for later. I checked my account I had no money left! shit

I must point out around this time I was pretty damaged, I was severely depressed. I hated everything about myself, to the point where I found it hard to even look in a mirror. I used to self harm.I had actually been self harming for a few years, keeping it quiet and putting on a front going to college, work even in front of my boyfriend etc.

I talked to my auntie about the booze and weed. I broke down,she just said answer honestly, could you go a month without drinking or smoking? I said no. She told me how addiction is like a disease,how some people given the right circumstances and genetics are more likely to have problems. She then told me of all the family members who have had addictions to various things, drugs,alcohol,shopping,sex,love!.
I knew I had to change, I stopped smoking and went 6 months without getting drunk. This gave me a deeper understanding of addiction.

I'd say I wasn't a addict, but a problem drinker and smoker.

I now only drink every now and again and I only smoke weed a few times a year if it's offered.

I'll give my cousin the same advice that was given to me,if she asks of course.

I cant still have feelings for him,surely not!?

I never thought id say this but I think I may have feelings for my ex boyfriend Matt.We were friends first then stayed together for three years.
The reason for the break up,I dumped him we were going in opposite directions,he didnt seem to see things from my point of view,plus his values changed,towards the end of our relationship, we had a heated discussion in which he came out with his views on success "money and power" was his response.We talked about it, then if im honest it was the deciding factor for me to finish things.

Fast forward three years we become friends again. He seems to have grown up alot, he appologised for his behaviour towards me, he actually cried! for Matt thats massive. in three years I only saw him cry once.So weve been keeping in contact,the spark is still there, we have a great chemistry and friendship.Which is great I thought, I was pleased to have a friend back in my life with so much shared history.

i've been on a few dates recently and i've found myself comparing them to him! this is most definatly not the norm for me. If im on a date that guy he is my focus, but now im sat there and he crosses my mind, I find myself thinking, Matt would find that funny,or your bullshitting me,with him I always know where I stand.this one guy I actually told him about matt, even as I was talking I thought why am I doing this,I stopped myself and changed the subject.
I broke up with matt years ago,have been in love since.I was most definitely over it. so Why am I comparing? I might just miss the good times, or miss him as a friend.I suppose I miss him,and the thing that made our relationship different,not finding it or something equal in these guys makes me think about what we had and still have in our friendship. the banter,the shared humor,the way we complement each other, his weirdness,the sense of ease I feel around him

Ill figure it out at some point I suppose this doesnt really mean much, ill be leaving soon to teach in korea for a year. I'll just have to take something positive from it, I know what I want something equal to what we had,and I will always have his friendship which might be all im missing anyway.

30 years of marriage

My mum and dad have been married for 30 years. This is a real achievement considering the divorce rate in the UK,and mum was 18 when they were married.

I'm thankful that they have given me a realistic view on marriage, with them being together such a long time proves that some marriages can stand the test of time.

I know that marriage isnt a bed of roses, once the honeymoon period is over its about growing together,trust,friendship,forgiveness of yourself and them, similar life ambitions, personality traits,communication, shared interests. Its hard work but the rewards are great.

My mum had a affair 16 years in. Part of the reason for this was lack of communication between my dad and her, plus she has low self esteem,and her personality type means she doesn't voice her concerns until she blows up.
so when my dad was unable to give her the love and attention she went elsewhere. she believed Dad no longer loved her,obviously this wasn't the case, since they have mostly worked though it although I know my dad still hurts even after all this time.

A few things  I took from this experience,first I will never cheat.having been cheated on and seen the damage its done to my dad I couldnt put someone through that, let alone someone I had made a promise to spend the rest of my life with.

Forgiveness when you feel its right. For me,as it stands now I know If it was a momentary indiscretion e.g: shagging some random women in a bar, I could forgive that with relative ease providing the reasons were discussed etc. but the lies,emotions,betrayal that goes into having two relationships at once,I'd try but its impossible to say until I am in that situation.I hope that never happens

 communicate feelings in the most honest way possible. I will try to keep my self esteem at a normal level as well as being self aware.
It's not always easy to talk about why your relationship isnt working, It takes courage to bring things up. I think if they would have talked more openly it could have been avoided.

Constantly work on myself esteem and becoming more self aware. Mum said she wasnt sure why she did what she did,I always want to be aware of why I do the things I do so I can grow as a person, protect myself and loved ones.

I shouldn't get with someone who has extremely low self esteem.this is hard for me as I know if I loved someone i'd do anything to save them. I know this from my own struggles with low self esttem and depression. Through looking at the behaviour of  my mum, and friends relationships no one can fill that void but the person.

 I believe someone who has such low self esteem if they refuse to work on it,will look for it in someone else,or it will erode the relationship with jealousy.
My friends ex used to tell him not to talk to pretty girls on Facebook,women at his work would be questioned etc. This insecurity couldn't be fixed,when she told him who he could be friends with despite him telling her how much he loved her the relationship ended.Mum learn that she needed to work on things for herself, others don't.
Its frustrating to watch, I have a friend who has low self esteem, she cheats on every guy shes with because eventually the excitement fades,she convinces herself there is something wrong with the relationship and looks elsewhere.It's a cycle for her. I hope one day she finds the right guy.
So anyway in a attempt to avoid this, I'll only date guys who have it together,a good level of self esteem is a must on both sides,good communication for the relationship to work.

shared interests something my parents have. They have their own interests as well as shares ones.
I think this is important. It gives you common ground but also difference. I wouldn't want to be married to someone who liked all the same things as me, and we agreed on everything.It would be a little strange. Even if its something like they play golf I take photos whatever as long as differences as well as shared interests are present.

Being able to laugh. Mum and dad have the same sense of humor,being able to see the funny side ive seen defuse many a tough situation with my parents.that's important,to be able to laugh at random  and serious events, plus I have a quirky sarcastic sense of humor that some people just don't get.

give and take-mum and dad have a balanced relationship,even though its been more traditional, mum stayed home with us when we were growing up dad was the main bread winner. I dont see that my mum was 'just a housewife' she was and is a strong woman.

So, yeah I think i've learnt alot from my parents relationship. I'm greatful to them for sticking it out having no money,the affair,family problems,work stress etc. Without it I dont think Id have the insight as to what it takes to make it work.

I only hope that if/when I get married I can celebrate a 30 year anniversary. 

Pranks I love them

I love a good prank and banter.one of the things I miss about a relationship is that back and forth prank/ banter thing.

I remember when me and my ex were building some flat pack furniture,the last bits were delivered while he was at work. I unpacked it, hid in the box got our house mate to seal me waited for him to come home. as he was opening I jumped out at him, n he shit himself haha.
I've had some good ones played on me too,when I was at uni me and my friend mike would hide eachothers things,just play jokes on eachother.
One day I was due to meet my then boyfriend Matt.He hid one of my shoes in the Ceiling under a tile! after a hour of looking I looked up and saw a shoe lace poking from underneath haha.

I saw this on you tube,it might be fake but I thought it was genius,the level of detail.it's the vibrator,contraception pills that really cracked me up. Ney..ney..hahaha

Dear hormones

i hate you! I've always thought my PMS was worse then average. I went to the doctors as I was in so much pain, discovered you are to blame.

 Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) is a severe form of premenstrual syndrome (PMS). Like PMS, premenstrual dysphoric disorder follows a predictable, cyclic pattern. Symptoms begin in the late luteal phase of the menstrual cycle (after ovulation) and end shortly after menstruation begins.

 so it begins the invasion of my body and mind. like clock work the week before my period.
I bloat so much that I go up a dress size.  from a size 8 ( a us 6 ) to a UK 10 ( US 8), I have bigger clothes that I wear for that week, my boobs get sore,I have cramping so bad sometimes i'm physically sick.

then comes the emotional havoc. 

• feelings of deep sadness or despair- i cant see a way that these moods will ever stop.i know your coming again next month..how thoughtful
• feelings of intense tension or anxiety
• increased intense sensitivity to rejection or criticism. you turn me into that woman i despise. overly sensitive and annoying.
• Person : you have a few spots, stressed? me: omg im a fucking grease ball,I look like a victim of a medieval disease..must cry when I get home.
•  My only conciliation,like a crappy character in a bad horror movie I know you will be gone in 7 days
• panic attacks- yes i have them, they  are horrible and result in me vomiting if i don't calm myself down.they come on it times of repressed stress.fuck you!
• rapid and severe mood swings, bouts of uncontrollable crying
• lasting irritability or anger, increased interpersonal conflicts, i keep myself quiet in my room so i dont effect people. Goodbye social life.
• apathy or disinterest in daily activities and relationships- i just want to be alone i don't want people to have to deal with me this way, Jekyll and hyde..grrr
• difficulty concentrating- being curled up in pain and vomiting will do that to you
• chronic fatigue-  im tired and cant seem to get a good nights rest,so i feel zombiefied.
• food cravings or binge eating-  give me chocolate NOW
• insomnia or hypersonia; sleeping more than usual, or (in a smaller group of sufferers) being unable to sleep...ugh
• feeling overwhelmed or feelings of being out of control- fuck you
• increase  sex drive-great, Lets make the crying,binge eating jabba want to fuck even more then usual.what a nice reminder that i'm single and haven't had sex in a while grr

thanks hormones for  turning me into a bloated, overly horny, emotional wreck
Signed
your body