30 years of marriage

My mum and dad have been married for 30 years. This is a real achievement considering the divorce rate in the UK,and mum was 18 when they were married.

I'm thankful that they have given me a realistic view on marriage, with them being together such a long time proves that some marriages can stand the test of time.

I know that marriage isnt a bed of roses, once the honeymoon period is over its about growing together,trust,friendship,forgiveness of yourself and them, similar life ambitions, personality traits,communication, shared interests. Its hard work but the rewards are great.

My mum had a affair 16 years in. Part of the reason for this was lack of communication between my dad and her, plus she has low self esteem,and her personality type means she doesn't voice her concerns until she blows up.
so when my dad was unable to give her the love and attention she went elsewhere. she believed Dad no longer loved her,obviously this wasn't the case, since they have mostly worked though it although I know my dad still hurts even after all this time.

A few things  I took from this experience,first I will never cheat.having been cheated on and seen the damage its done to my dad I couldnt put someone through that, let alone someone I had made a promise to spend the rest of my life with.

Forgiveness when you feel its right. For me,as it stands now I know If it was a momentary indiscretion e.g: shagging some random women in a bar, I could forgive that with relative ease providing the reasons were discussed etc. but the lies,emotions,betrayal that goes into having two relationships at once,I'd try but its impossible to say until I am in that situation.I hope that never happens

 communicate feelings in the most honest way possible. I will try to keep my self esteem at a normal level as well as being self aware.
It's not always easy to talk about why your relationship isnt working, It takes courage to bring things up. I think if they would have talked more openly it could have been avoided.

Constantly work on myself esteem and becoming more self aware. Mum said she wasnt sure why she did what she did,I always want to be aware of why I do the things I do so I can grow as a person, protect myself and loved ones.

I shouldn't get with someone who has extremely low self esteem.this is hard for me as I know if I loved someone i'd do anything to save them. I know this from my own struggles with low self esttem and depression. Through looking at the behaviour of  my mum, and friends relationships no one can fill that void but the person.

 I believe someone who has such low self esteem if they refuse to work on it,will look for it in someone else,or it will erode the relationship with jealousy.
My friends ex used to tell him not to talk to pretty girls on Facebook,women at his work would be questioned etc. This insecurity couldn't be fixed,when she told him who he could be friends with despite him telling her how much he loved her the relationship ended.Mum learn that she needed to work on things for herself, others don't.
Its frustrating to watch, I have a friend who has low self esteem, she cheats on every guy shes with because eventually the excitement fades,she convinces herself there is something wrong with the relationship and looks elsewhere.It's a cycle for her. I hope one day she finds the right guy.
So anyway in a attempt to avoid this, I'll only date guys who have it together,a good level of self esteem is a must on both sides,good communication for the relationship to work.

shared interests something my parents have. They have their own interests as well as shares ones.
I think this is important. It gives you common ground but also difference. I wouldn't want to be married to someone who liked all the same things as me, and we agreed on everything.It would be a little strange. Even if its something like they play golf I take photos whatever as long as differences as well as shared interests are present.

Being able to laugh. Mum and dad have the same sense of humor,being able to see the funny side ive seen defuse many a tough situation with my parents.that's important,to be able to laugh at random  and serious events, plus I have a quirky sarcastic sense of humor that some people just don't get.

give and take-mum and dad have a balanced relationship,even though its been more traditional, mum stayed home with us when we were growing up dad was the main bread winner. I dont see that my mum was 'just a housewife' she was and is a strong woman.

So, yeah I think i've learnt alot from my parents relationship. I'm greatful to them for sticking it out having no money,the affair,family problems,work stress etc. Without it I dont think Id have the insight as to what it takes to make it work.

I only hope that if/when I get married I can celebrate a 30 year anniversary.