I'm bored waiting for my ex in the states to come online,cant wait to chat about batman! hes a film geek too so we have long drawn out conversations, would send most people to sleep. Im interested to see what he thought of Anne Hathaway as cat woman.I thought she was amasing,such a slutry strong performance, I want that oufit, its the perfect bedroom/Halloween costume,I should start looking.
anyway,apart from babbling on here, pug videos are keeping me entertained, finally led me to purchase ' pugs not drugs' t-shirt. saw Russell Howard wearing one (obviously not this girly cropped one, although I reckon he could pull it off :) ),instantly thought 'that has to be mine!...i'm sooo cool pahaha. It will take pride of place with my goonies and zepplin shirts
pugs, awww their cute wrinkled faces,big eyes, very loveable. One day I hope to have a rescued pug,I shall call him Dexter :D
I hate the idea of breeding, I saw a video on pedigree breeding, someone posted on facebook It shocked and disturbed me.
My family have always had rescued pets,they either found us,Elsa turned up at our door step as a malnourished kitten or we happened to come across them. Flossy our other cat, was found dumped in the brambles,cold and wet, poor little thing. We took her in, now shes all happy and abit fat ( mum over feeds them,she does the same to me when I go home ha )
so we've had the royal wedding,the jubilee,and now the Olympics.I should be feeling all warm and fuzzy about England. I'm not. In fact I dont really feel much of anything.
Of course im proud of what we have acheived, we have a rich history,I like our arcitecture, countryside and the fact we are a multi cultural society.Yet I still feel well 'blah' about it.
I think its because I dont see my future here, and ' god save the queen' does nothing to make me feel much of anything. ( perhaps when im watching england play but maybe thats more the excitement of the match)
I actively listened to Star-Spangled Banner. it struck me as everything a national anthem should be. No wonder Americans seem to feel so much pride and belonging, Im sure I would too.
Some people really dislike America and its people. I have to say every american i've met has been intelligent,charming,and a pleasure to be around. I like their confidence and drive for success.
in England We tend to be self deprecating, looking on the negative side.Although this is the basis of our humor its not very productive. We could do with more confidence and positivity
I was talking to my friend on a app for the iPhone.I was feeling pretty down.
he really cheered me up,actually made me cry a little.I'm humbled that he sees me in this way,and happy that I can be there when he needs someone. Anyone that I consider a friend,even if we don't see eachother often I aim to be the friend and person he says I am :)
I'm keeping what he said,adding it to my diary so when I'm feeling like I'm not achieving,or frustrated I can view his kind words.
The job situation is beyond terrible now. with modelling jobs being non exsistant,I cant find a job that will fit around studying.
the last job I went for, they had two positions. So many applied they had to have three sets of interviews to narrow it down to the final two. I felt like I was on a poor mans britians got talent, each week Id have another hour long interview, then wait for friday on a phone call to see if id made it to the 'next round'.
I made it to the final, but, like a obese X Factor wannabe, I was rejected. the reason? 'they didnt think my personality would 'fit in the team'.
maybe I wasn't perky/blonde enough, I did notice the office was full of tango girls, perhaps my pale skin offended them, who knows. Ive worked in bigger offices,and for more successful companies then them and never had a issue
whatever, I had other worries like how was i going to pay bills? I neeed money quick.I looked at work from home and discovered 'adult phone actress'. Yes, its the nice way of saying phone sex worker.
well,I thought the pay isnt bad, its not as if i'm new to it ( ive had phone sex many times with my ex boyfriends) and im pretty open minded, ill just do it see how I get on.
I rang the agency, the lady informed me my information would be kept private at all times etc. I made up a few slutty characters and away I went.
I was surprised, the majority of my callers want to be dominated. this is funny to me, its exactly the opposite of my personality.
the first guy wanted to call me mistress,call him names. make him wear his wifes underwear and give him tasks to do around the house?!..so I just let rip,
me: you sorry sack of shit, you make me sick
him: yes mistress
me: shut the fuck up
him: silence
me: ...you fucking freak.. crawl on your hands and knees...all the way to the bathroom
him: actually crawling .. :S
me: take the loo brush handle in your mouth.... and clean the toilet with it..do it slowly. at this point I put him on speaker and started to fold my washing. after about 10 minuets I heard mumbling
me: is it clean?
him: yes mistress
me: your pathetic
then that was it he came
the next one was a foot fetish guy.. ewww, I hate feet, I hate my own feet, looking at others feet, esp when they wear flip flops..summer and hoildays are yucky for me because I cant help but notice them all sweaty and discusting blah so this guy was a nightmare for me.
I just let him do all the talking and made a few mmm yeah noises, at one point I got my heels and walked them on the wood floor so he would think I was walking in heels, the are too fiddly to put on, little straps and such, and if im honest I couldn't be bothered.
that was it he paid for 20 minuets but came in 10, the heel noise must have done it.
the other guy rang for half a hour, he had a fantasy about his wife cheating on him.
This I don't get but I went along with it. I described her getting fucked by his business partner ( his suggestion) and he loved it. He added his own bits like how they were going to screw him over take his business leave him a shell of a man.
It left me wondering what would possess someone to have such a fantasy?
I'm hoping I only have to do this until I get a job in korea, or indeed another job, but in the mean time its at least im paying my bills.
I have sleep walking and sleep talking episodes.This normally happens when im stressed, or sleeping somewhere new, its even happened on holiday before.
it ranges from just saying a few random words,waking up not knowing where I am, and full conversations.
Matt my ex said we had a detailed conversation about the tv show Dexter at 2 am,apparently I was laid there with my eyes open. He assumed I was awake,we always talked before bed so to him it was just another conversation,until I started talking about cheese?!
When I actually get out of bed and sleep walk I have my eyes open,my exs say they just tell me they just to go back to bed, my sister was cruel she apparently hit me with pillows till I went back to sleep.
ive been single for a while now so the only evidence of my sleepwalking are the changes in the morning.For example waking up in a bed made on the floor from spare bedding
I keep spare pillows etc in case I have company,I assume I was dreaming that I had a friend needing a bed I slept on the floor. Yes weird, but not as weird as this.ive started half waking up during nightmares,I sit up in bed and hallucinate what i'm dreaming, I can move so its not sleep paralysis, ( I really feel for those who suffer with this,the fear must be similar to what i have but they are trapped so I can only imagine its worse)
I dream there is someone in my room, I sit up look over I see a shadow or somthing then its gone,or im dreaming there are spiders in my bed,I can see them crawling then I move and they go. its at this point that I wake up,fully awake im freaked out all hot,pulse racing,confused the whole thing must have been a few seconds but eeep, its horrible.
I spend the next few minuets checking my room, or walking downstairs just to check noone is there ( silly I know) for my own peice of mind so I can go back to bed.
ive got no idea why I remember these sleep walking episodes and not the others.I'm going to keep a track of them, if it keeps happening I might go to the doctor, its that disturbing.
Paul,my friend since school tragically passed away.
I'm getting upset just thinking about it.He was the most caring,funny,down to earth honest guy I've ever had the privilege of knowing,I was lucky enough to have him as a friend.
He was there for me at the some of lowest points in my life,his kindness made me feel less alone,always put a smile on my face.I never told him what his friendship meant to me,I hope on some level he knew.
He basically had to much to drink at a christening,started being sick in the taxi,was taken to hospital and died.He was 27.
a autopsy was done ,but the exact cause was unknown. drink was a massive part of his passing.
It still seems like one of those stories you read about,you never think it will happen to someone you know.
I miss him
My auntie,who has been struggling with terminal cancer for a year passed away a couple of days ago.
She was in her 50's.I always looked up to my auntie Naomi, she ran a hotel in Scotland that she started from scratch, was a amazing cook.her hotel wad awarded 4 * with her cooking,at the same time brought up 3 children.
despite the terrible events of her life,her husband leaving her, my cousin tragically deciding to end his life,which started her drinking she eventually came off the alcohol,became a grandmother and always had time for her family.
We used to go upto her hotel at new year,shed make a big fuss,have a bag pipe player,give us rooms, really made us feel special,despite having a hotel full of guests.( my family is huge,granny had 14 children,there were about 13 of us in total who used to go up)
Unfortunately she had stopped drinking too late,the fact she smoked didn't help this was a major contributing factor when she was diagnosed.
She wasn't in much pain when she passed,she said she wasn't scared and was ready.Brave right to the end.
These recent events make me think of when my granny passed away two years ago,how I will miss all of them.
I know they will live on in my life,and the life's of those they touched.
This poem is beautiful
Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there; I do not
sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on
snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When
you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet
birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do
not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.
All we really have is the present,the past and the future don't really exsist,while Its healthy to view the past learn from mistakes,good to make plans for the future,shouldn't let that effect the present.
Saying things like " I'll be happy when I have x" isn't constructive
But anyway,all this has left me feeling lonely and detached im trying to live in the present. I use something I'm passionate about to try feel connected.mostly I use travel,photography,art and music.
Music is the most accessible and most effective.throughout my life I have loved music, certain bands and songs have a special place in my heart. Some are the cure, zeppelin, Oasis,blur,Nirvana
A friend told me to listen to these bands
Choir of young believers- no,not a cult Tom cruise would be part of,which were my first thoughts,ha. A totally ace band
I was brought up catholic,went to catholic school,made my first holy communion,went to church every Sunday.. the lot.
Then when i was 15,it was confirmation time ( where you pledge in front of a bishop to take christianity into adulthood) I wasn't going to do it,just didn't sit right.
all the logical answers pointed to that there was no god.if science proves to me there is one,I thought fine but until that point I'll assume there isn't one.
It was a scary realisation knowing there was no Devine power guiding me," everything happens for a reason" no longer applied,everything I was brought up to believe as far as religion goes was wrong.
I was responsible for creating my own future,living with my mistakes etc.At 15 a scary but quite liberating concept.
I hated the idea that seems to be quite popular,that if your a atheist you are shallow self centred and have little or no values.
I decided to live by my own code.which was and still is pretty simple,I've discovered recently ( whilst looking to find people with similar ideas) mine are pretty much humanist values.
Humanists are described as atheists and agnostics who make sense of the world using reason and experience. They take responsibility for their actions and base their ethics on the goals of human welfare, happiness and fulfilment.
They seek to make the best of the one life they have by creating meaning and purpose in the here and now, individually and together.
This is how I've been trying to live my life since 15.
We do not need religion to show us lead fulfilling lives,we have it in us to better ourselves and do what we can to make this world a better place on our own.
So,I think I'm going to attend one of the humanist society meet ups.it will be nice to chat to people with similar ideas.
This is a fun little quiz,plus you have a nice quote from Stephen fry in the banner ( love mr fry hehe)
