Update

Been ages since I wrote in this.lots has been happening.

First I've enrolled on a life coaching course in Australia.

second I've handed in my notice at my job and got a new one.This is what happened.
She illegally took and with held 300,000 of my wages after saying she wouldn't.which meant my Christmas vacation to Tokyo was ruined. then she told me my holidays included weekends and public holidays! Then she shouted at me like I was a child for putting the wrong thing in recycling.if she gave me more time between lessons instead of 10 mins 5 in most cases then I wouldn't make such a silly mistake as I have lots to do in that short period of time.

I told her it was illegal what she was doing with the money and holidays she said it wasn't! I told her that I wanted my money back and she said no there was nothing she could do n she did this with every employee including the Koreans.

I told her to check with the labor board and told her that the scam she is pulling about including the weekends is a well known korean scam by hagwon owners as they think they are above the.law. No where in my contract does it state i work weekends,only.monday to friday. Also the reason she calculates to.include the weekends as holiday is to reduce the daily rate from 115k a day to a mere 75k.

I then looked her up online and found Stacy likes to.commit fraud on her employees embezzeling them the tax office and pension aswell. My friend Told me and he knows because he sued them,thats why mr kim lost all his academies and had to sell.them off due to tax pension fraud on his employees and business.

I have been in contact with a lawyer here and reported her to the labor board where each in infringement carries a minimum of 20million won fine.

After all she has done to me,she had the cheek to request an apology letter from me for getting angry with her and asking for my rights as a employee.

I don't think so.I will never apologise for something I haven't done.

Other then that I met a totally hot guy who ticks all my boxes,but he's shy and reluctant to start something as he is leaving in 6 months which is fine.Such a shame tho

Had a good birthday and Christmas.I just miss my friends and family

Homesickness

I had a great weekend.I went out with Ben and my Korean friend.Went to a Chinese restaurant Korean style of course :)

went to a bar called JJs was benchwarmers.tons of foreigners in there.Met this guy from London who has the same birthday as me small world huh? So we were talking about London and such, Sunday came,I did my usual which is cleaning the apartment and doing my washing.
I put music on just as I would at home,little dragon came on.A woosh of memories suddenly had the first major homesickness since coming here.I miss my friends massively.Cruz in particular,we used to live together I just wanted to go to his room chill out maybe have a spliff.
It's so annoying that I can't smoke in Korea,it's the time when I need it the most.

So I laid on my bed closed my eyes and imagined how my room used to look.
my throws from Camden market on my walls,my candles lit,incense burning looking at my photos,and art prints,Escher Dali giger,my books My little cactus plants,glitter lamp making pretty patterns on the wall,my lap with a pink piece of material over the top,to me a real chilled out kick ass atmosphere.

Me and Cruz would smoke a spliff listen to jeff Buckley little dragon war paint fink etc just talk about anything.I really miss that connection.I miss my room,I miss cooking..oh how I miss cooking.Every Sunday I'd do a roast.
Roast chicken,vegetables,mash potato cheesy,roast potatoes,Yorkshire pudding.
For desert I'd bake a pie or rice pudding.

I'm going to miss my family friends and cooking so much at Christmas.I wish I could go home for a visit but it's not going to happen.i only get Xmas day off then 5 days at new year.

Well in the plus in 2 weeks I will have done 3 months.Im still debating wether to do this life coaching course for oz I think I should I could use it anywhere in the world most counsolers cvs have life coaching on there I think it's a good thing to do to show I've been doing something with my time other then just living abroad.

I'm 28 in a few days n Im going to feel weird on that day.ill be glad when this year is over.I think I can honestly say this year has been one of the most challenging of my life.My friend dying,then my auntie dying,having no money,living with a complete slob and his kid who he moved in,he was so dirty he attracted mice! my sister being so fucked in the head i had to cut off from her,moving to Korea,finding out I have PMDD,add to that bad dates and meeting wanker guys

Actually PMDD time is now,fuck this explains the mood.I should focus on positives.I can do life coaching course while saving to do a course.I can start applying in the new year.My life now has options one of them doing a masters in something I am very passionate about,or travel plans to audtralia even if I can't afford to study there I can still get a visa and try to work as a life coach or another job.

I have met some great people here and I'm starting to feel like I have some pretty good qualities I heard a Irish girl and a few guys talking about me before I made my presence known.they said how sweet and genuine I am.At home I try to not show how nice I am straight away.reason being I've been walked over not treated with respect and generally thought less of. as though beingnice is a weakness.

Underwater bedroom!

I've just got back from Karaoke room great fun. You hire out a room,get beer and snacks n just sing ( badly in my case) to your favorite songs. They have tons of cool lighting tambourines  n stuff. good times.

had a pretty cool night all round.started off went out for dinner, ended up at Bennigans a restaurant that has now closed in America,however made it over to Korea and is thriving? anyway.I had my steak.. oooh how I've missed steak.. medium rare with potato,felt so good .  Ben my American friend almost came in his pants when he saw a Monte Cristo( my dyslexic brain cant figure out how to spell at this hour)  on the menu! being British, I had no idea what it was.
Basically a fried sandwich, having tasted the delights of a fried mars bar,my curiosity was sparked,I watched it come out in all its fatty glory,my friend unable to contain the excitement.He looked like a kid at Christmas... bless.I sampled it just before my food arrived. tastes sweet,fatty and oh so good. I couldn't manage more then two but defiantly have it again.

 Im home now, its 6 am, the good thing about korea everything opens till stupid oclock,I like it, allows you to be spontaneous, want to buy something at 10pm no problem,also gives different options other then clubbing.
I'm in my apartment now, just wacked the heating on ( so cold here I have to layer when venturing outside yet the cold still penetrates,consequently my apartment is a ice box. lucky I have underfloor heating) sat here in my many layers while I wait for it to thaw, Im I looking at my friends from home face book page.Des from college has posted this underwater hotel room. Oh my fucking god I want to go there! its in Fiji, just imagining the sharks swimming past,all the other wicked creatures,what an experience, the slight downside is lack of sleep, assuming I was with a partner, the time would be taken up with amasing sex talking and taking in the beauty.
I used to want a honeymoon in Italy, or a romantic trip there, now I want this, followed by diving,and paragliding..I imagine figi is simply breathtaking.. lol,chances are slim to non,but I can dream... :D www.poseidonresorts.com/ ......ahhh yes please

face hugger

I feel the need to write about this night terror I had.
 it happened around 4am. I was having a nightmare about the face hugger from alien, I woke up and saw it on my bed next to me! I freaked out, frozen in fear,I couldn't even scream.

I managed to move after a few minuets,rolled myself on to the floor and  woke myself up properly. I felt relief, then suddenly very alone.I put the laptop on and watched some adult swim. I dont know what happend but I started to cry...crying and watching cartoons how sad.

I just wanted another person there who understood. I remember when this used to happen in relationships. Id try not to wake them, sometimes if it was really bad, such as this with the face huger episode, id roll over and hug my boyfriend.they used to moan though as I get so warm it would wake them up.

anyway, so yeah,back to the tears watching cartoons. miles away from my friends and parents, the recent date disaster, the fact Ive been single over 2 years,  thoughts such as will I ever find someone who can put up with these weird night terrors or understands? coupled with the PMDD is it really too much to ask of someone? on a PMDD day it would be mood swings,lots of sex and then potentially being woken up at night by me dreaming then seeing something fucked up. Why have that when you can have a normal girlfriend with a regular sex drive, their worst sleep issue would be drool?.

 I used to feel so bad  just laid there with my partner next me waiting for my mind to let me sleep. worried that my body heat might wake them and partly feeling guilty that I didn't like how I couldn't hug them.
id sometimes wish I was actually alone, or that my partner understood so it would be ok to go downstairs and  watch tv or get a comforting hug without feeling guilt. In saying all that  id prefer that odd mix of emotions then have that nothingness.

I got to sleep at 6 am. I was up again at 9. I didnt have the best quality of sleep and my eyes felt puffy from the tears.

I think this highlights that I feel stressed, the night terrors seem to come about when theres some unrest somewhere in my life, even if its just sleeping somewhere new,that seems to trigger it too.
also highlights that i'm feeling lonely, left behind. Another one of my friends got married,my friend Sarah is buying a house with her boyfriend its all strange.

yet I know that I have time, I don't want to rush anything,rationally theres a world of opportunity I cant help but feel this way.

I had to get a teddy picture of the face hugger,looking at the real one was just too freaky. why the fuck would you buy this as a cuddly toy?

Where to study the US or Australia

Right this has been on my mind recently.

I do not wish to return to the UK.I cannot see my future there.So where can I see myself? The states or oz.

The problem is which do I choose? both are expensive,oz being cheaper,and has better weather however America has the best education,at least id be guaranteed to have a degree that was world class.

Other things to take into consideration career prospects,earning potential,the countries economy,crime,lifestyle,where are the best schools for possible future family how easy it is for my parents to get there and potentially make them citizens of that country too.

I've sort of decided on location for both countries.which makes it easier.

Brisbane because its cheaper then sydney,has good schools,the standard of living seems high I like it has a beach n a good music scene.

Washington DC,it's the capital,the most powerful city on earth.prob has the best earning potential( need to research) ,has some great universities if any city is going to recover from the recession quickly I believe it's DC.

I kind of know people there.knowing people seems like such a tiny thing,but my experience of living in Korea and knowing no one,it really helps to have some contacts when you move abroad,no matter how independent,friendly etc you are those first few months are tough.having a friendly face show you round introduce you to decent people is always good However,I realise this isn't a major factor,just a nice plus.

I spoke to my parents,they don't mind where I go as long as I'm happy and there is chance of a career at the end of graduation.

I need to get cracking on this if I'm going to get a place next year.

Maybe making lists will help.

Laringitis

Yeah I've had it for two weeks still been going to work.I eventually went to the hospital on the 3rd in ok dong and got a ton of meds.ill upload a pic when I can.I take them 3 times a day with food for 3 days then I go back to the hospital.
I can't talk feel like death.I'm going in early on Monday to ask for the day off as I'm In so ill.

More work stress

So the 1st every month I get paid.I was paid yest.I didn't receive a copy of my way slip.instead inbetween lessons I was taken into a room and shown it,told to sign to say I'd seen it.i wish I hadn't done that now.i think she will use it to say that everything was ok when it was literally to say I'd seen it i didn't have time to digest it.

Pension is massively expensive.she told me I would get it back when I leave.this is incorrect.she also said I should give her 50000 won ( £27) in cash for maintenance fees on my apartment.when i asked if it was deductible from my wages she said no! it wasn't on my wage slip,but it was in my contract I have to pay it,so feeling under pressure I did.today I'm expecting a receipt from her.and a copy of my wage slip.

She also said " I'm not charging you 30000 won every month because I trust you won't leave" yeah maybe the fact it's illegal has something to do with it!

Also she mentioned a little boy I tutor jake.I love jake,such a sweet clever child.I tutor him one to one at the accademy.he likes me too he mentioned me to his friend :) his homeroom teacher said he talks about me aww.
Anyway he has a shorter tongue so can't pronounce S l and t sounds.Its physically not possible.So we work through the book taking that into account.
Stacey listened to my lesson outside.heard he wasn't saying his "s" and came into the room made him say the word "books" over and over till she was satisfied he said s.she then told me to correct him!

After I told his homeroom teacher what happened she said she understood,and confirmed he did have the speech issue.
What a horrible thing to do to a shy sweet boy.he has it hard enough as it is.

Stacey told me yest that I need to correct students straight away i always do! and sighted jake as a example.I told her she was wrong,that jake has a speech problem.she said it could be corrected n it was my job to do so!.she said I needed to have more confidence when teaching!.A shorter tongue cannot be corrected. I have confidence! When my lesson was observed the 2nd week I got flying colours! I told her she could observe a lesson if she wants.

There's also a child in my older group who last lesson told me to "fuck you" I sent him to Stacey.
She told me he was a very sensitive child I should try with him.I did as I do with all the kids. in that lesson,I told him to stop banging on the wall,he did it again,told him to stand up.he didn't listen then started speaking Korean to the other students.I told him to stop speaking Korean and listen he then said fuck you.

This lesson,I enter the room he's got his head on the desk.I take his hood down and make him sit up.
Telling him to pay attention and listen.he became angry and disruptive.knowing Stacey prefers these issues sorted in class,
I opted to take a different tactic and ignored his attempt for attention continuing the lesson for those who wanted to learn.this annoyed him.he sulked the rest of the class,but answered questions when I asked.so he knew the material.
he then complained to Stacey that my lesson was boring and I looked tired.
He told me that he couldn't understand me and was going to call his mother telling her so.Complete lies.

Today is Friday I work 3-10 with 25 min break. I'm just glad it's The weekend.

I feel really ill today I looked at the back of my throat with a torch I have spots on my tonsils and white bits.I have 3 days paid sick leave.Im trying not to take any time off.I hope this eases during the day.

Work stress/weekend

More crap happened this week, wed basically me and lee the new teacher were told the kids are complaining over our British accents.
She said they don't understand us and want American accents! Then she started saying she couldn't understand us when we were in her car driving to process lees ARC card.
She understood us perfectly when she hired us.
As I pointed out the younger kids seem to understand so why don't the older ones? She suggested we talk more slowly which if I talk anymore slowly the kids will think I'm retarded.
So I tested the theory. every class I had I talked so slow the kids looked at me like I was a alien.i also said if you cannot understand me please say so.they said we understand you fine.

She also said on Friday before we left, we were required to put a deposit of 3000 won each month I am not doing this it wasn't in the contract they cannot force me to do so.She said she couldn't pay me in cash and she wasnt going to help me open a korean bank account.not what she said on the first day.
She said my health insurance wasn't valid until my first pay.which is rubbish I have my arc card now I can go to the doctors tomorrow n have it discounted.

I had to work through my so called dinner as I had to mark the Korean teachers homework diaries and give online essays to my classes.two days running I didn't have time to eat.when are we meant to fit this extra work in? If she wants us to come in early I want over time.

I'm having a meeting with her tomorrow and I'm going to be honest about the whole thing.
- does she want us there? the kids are complaining I can't do anymore then I'm already doing.we weren't given any observation time,literally given a book n said teach.she admitted we were meant to have 2 days observing but because our visas were late through no fault of our own we didn't get it.
- I am not giving this money every month.she cannot force me
- my insurance is valid with a arc card.
- if the kids want an American teacher then ill look for another job,I am not teaching children who don't want to learn from me,what suggestions does she have to solve the problem,other then talking in a American accent.

Other then that I took a taxi and experienced my first racism from a Korean.
when koreans make these clicking sounds,it's a major sign of disrespect.I started clicking back.he didn't like it.dropped me off was very tense atmosphere. I didn't even say thank you in Korean and slammed the door.he tried to charge me extra by taking me the long way round.

On the weekend I got hammered.had a pretty cool time in purple haze Halloween party,then to a nurobong karaoke bar where me n some others from the bar sang.i sang to zeppelin the cure and a few others.bonded with this guy with a Afro from Russia haha

sat went out to a traditional Korean restaurant had these rice paper dumpling things.
Basically you get all theses veggies n meat.cook it in a big pot in the middle of the table,then you get your rice paper,dip it in warm water,then spoon the ingredients into the middle n fold.

It's then made into a soup through adding noodles with the juices,and then rice pudding.

Was pretty cool only cost me £6.im not a huge fan of Korean food but it was kinda tasty,healthy and a different experience.
After we went to cimas Halloween party but there was no one there.so we went to a pub called benches,it was closing so it was 30,000 won all you can drink.its a shame I liked their food and was a nice atmosphere.

Played darts too Boys vs girls we won :D 4-2 by some fluke I got a triple 20 and a bullseye.

I was pretty happy benches were getting rid of all their books.I now have some in my apartment yes! picked up spirituality for atheists,Oliver twist,othello,the structure of scientific revolutions,a fantasy book entitled beyond the valley of thrones I thought I could read it with the kids.

other stuff- that Korean guy has left me alone.the American guy matt is a total twat.
long story short I needed somewhere to crash he said yes, then when I was on my way to his house said no told me to stay in a hotel! I had to crash at a strangers house.

Then he said I got too attached! I don't think so! if anything I was reserved didn't want to get attached to someone who was leaving.I was quite happy with living in the moment. anyway
I received a grovelling apology via email as I blocked him on fb n kakao,saying he just got scared because he liked me n didn't know what to do about it.
I just told him to forget it n leave me alone.
I really do have bad judgement when it comes to guys.

4th week in Ulsan

I think I'm getting better at my job,I'm not sure though.The kids seem to like me.I heard the director saying I was a popular teacher so that's got to be a good thing.

I've had some strange comments from the kids.One kid said I looked like a mouse?! And another who said my eyes were "sooo big" she came right up to my face to get a close look.

the new teacher is here.the building owner didn't give him any bedding,towels or Internet.its pretty harsh.
We went to lotte mart the next day.that was a experience theres everything you need.its your typical supermarket ,but there is no organisation.took us ages to find Lee some shaving foam,30 minuets I believe.

There's this Korea guy I've been hanging our with on Friday nights after work.
i thought it was cool I had a Korean friend.after all I'm in Korea right? We went out on Friday,met the two people I went on a scavenger hunt had a pretty good time.35000 won for all you can eat pizza and beer. get in.
The thing about the foreigner community here is that everyone knows everyonelse,I sorta feel like the new kid at school.its all very clicky.I hated it the first time round.Suppose ill just find actual adults here at some point.
You see all the same faces too.Its a very transient place so I imagine as time passes faces will change etc.

4am on the way home Korean guy starts trying to hold my hand.

I totally freak out.I only hold hands with guys I'm in a relationship with.to me it's a very intimate thing to do ESP in public.its weird that I could have sex with someone I'm dating but I only hold hands when I'm in love.

I told him I wasn't interested and got into my apartment as soon as possible.
I do feel disappointed all I'm looking for is a friend.

Seems a lot of Korean guys try it on or are just creepy.

my dog bonnie from home passed away on Sunday.i do feel pretty upset.She was a part of our family for 16 years.
She was a rescue pup.my dad was coming home from band practice,he saw her collarless, running up to strangers in the street looking lost malnourished.
He brought her home for a feed.after she had a good sleep,we advertised her as missing,put her in temp housing for stray dogs.made sure she was healthy and looked after.

After two weeks we got a call saying no one had claimed her,if we wanted we could have her. otherwise she would be passed on to the relevant authorities where they would try house her,put another search out for owners i in 2 weeks she would have to be put down :(

She came home.she was so playful,loving and full of wonder :).
My Bon Bon,as I called her,has been with us through good times and bad.

many lovely christmas day walks even though she was lazy she loved it when she eventually got going,her little legs carrying her fat body,lol I remember when we realised she was eating the cats food as well as her own.she went on weight watchers for dogs :)

she had a good life,I will never forget her.mum and dad are pretty upset too.they say flossy,our cat misses her.they were friends.flossy would rub herself on bonnie ( when cats do this they are saying hello,marking you with their scent saying your mine lol) purr and often sleep in the same bed.

I'm still experiencing culture shock.it comes in waves.Im getting better at handling it,just reminding myself its totally normal,it should get better.
Im worried next week will be PMDD time.

3 weeks in Korea

Yep,it's been 3 weeks seems like I've been here a while I can't work out wether it's a good or bad thing.

I'm pleased that I'm now using the bus system,everything is in hangul so I'm trying to learn.my retarded dislexc brain is working against me I keep getting mixed up with letters.it all looks the same!

My kids are a real mix bag,some I really dislike.spoilt rich kids who only come to class so their parents will buy them a new iPad or whatever,they do the bare minimum with a smug look of distain.
I give them super boring homework,such as copy out key expressions three times haha.If they don't do it, I have the power to contact their parents.say goodbye to your new Mac...irritating little shits.

Some I just love.I have some one on one classes they are so cute and work very hard.
One girl Her English name Annie.I asked her what she would do if she could live forever.She said she wouldn't want to because life was boring.Shes 11! like most kids she gets up at 7am,goes to school,then language academy,homework and learning a instrument.then the day starts again.these kids are machines.
I told her if she goes to university in a western country she will experience a different way of living,life can be what you make it.She wants to be a doctor.i hope she decides to live abroad.

So the weekend was interesting.i went to purple haze with a Korean friend,chatted with the bar staff and met a French couple who are studying at Ulsan university.I had to laugh at Korean guys dancing :D they really go for it,arms n legs everywhere,they look as though they belong dancing in cages in gay clubs hahaha

Sat was actually pretty awesome.went on a scavenger hunt.we had to run round Ulsan finding items on the list take pics such as weird sentences in English,socks with sandles,ajimas (old ladies) with visors and matching outfits power walking.
Couple clothing.couples here literally dress the same so they can show the world how together they are lol.
When we took the picture,this guy Ben was holding our team number the girl said "oh very handsome" in front of her boyfriend! Guess those matching jumpers don't mean much huh lol.

in the evening, I met up with Matt,the American I met at the festival where I was ditched.

Had a lovely date,went to a Italian restaurant chatted about family,Korea,life etc.weird thing is he dated a girl who is from my home town and studied at the same uni as me.how unusual that I would find that connection half way across the world!

Hes a big film fan,got good taste in music,he studied science at uni,I like that,it's actually quite sexy.

went to a bar after,cima where I met his friends,funny guys mostly from the states.Went back to his after,talked and had sex. Yes! Finally I like a guy enough to fuck.( btw I don't see this as a slutty thing to do.I don't play games.I don't find guys that I actually like often,when I do,we've agreed to date, whats the point in withholding something that is going to happen anyway? Some women say "make him work for it"..really? where does it end? withhold sex till he buys something expensive? or stops hanging out with that friend you don't like?.sex is a expression of lust,love all that good stuff,using it for manipulative purposes makes no sense to me)

I think he was surprised at how long I gave him head for,think it was for about 30 mins.Its my favourite thing to do,just adore it and its been soooo long.I told him this.he wasn't bothered,just surprised.I'm wondering when I should bring up my other kinks.ill wait to see how things go. hes leaving in 3 months so I don't know what's going to happen,just enjoying the moment I suppose.id rather date him then not through fear of what happens next.

Sunday morning,he watched baseball.I don't know anything out it,seen as he's so into it I gave it a watch. It's actually quite interesting,I don't like it as much as football. I'm still learning all the ins and outs of it,the different ways of pitching,what the positions are called etc.once I know it all properly ill make up my mind if I like it enough to watch on a regular basis.
We then watched field of dreams ( the baseball film,I thought he'd like it) and South Park episodes.
this is actually a good Sunday for me,lazing in bed watching TV,talking cooking if I can.

I'm seeing him again this sat.might take him out this time if he lets me.he seems to be very polite,holding doors open etc.I actually like that he orders for me too.In that we will discuss what We want,and he will tell the waiter.Its such a stupid thing to like but I do.
so I don't know if he will allow me to take him out,but if he does I fancy Thai and a good bottle of wine.

so things seem to be getting better,but Im not ready to start feeling comfortable yet,my job is still all over the place and I'm still getting used to Korea,it's such a different culture I don't think ill ever be used to it but I can accept the differences and try my best for the time I'm here.

Gangnam style

That friggin song is everywhere here.that guy as whored himself out,he's advertising everything,I kid you not,I saw him on a washing up liquid add!

he is a legit artist over here,im watching his live performance on korean tv.I initially watched him so I could laugh,but for some reason, I find him awkwardly hypnotic. he's like that pissed up relation at a wedding. embarrassing the family with his attempt to look cool on the dance floor,end up looking like a sweaty midlife crisis.

today I got stared at loads,or maybe I just noticed it more.
All the foreigners here get stated at.Its interesting,makes me realise beyond any doubt that I wouldn't want to be famous.

tomorrow I have this meal with my Korean co workers.I really don't like getting overly friendly with people from work.ive never been one to go to work functions beyond the Christmas party a few drinks after work here and there.So this is going to be weird for me.its part of Korean custom to go to every work thing,so I'm going along with it.
To look at it on the plus side,ill maybe feel more a part of the school,and get to try some new food. Tomorrow night I fancy going for a few drinks at a bar called purple haze.after my long long day I need something to unwind.

Sticker fun on tube

Keeping up to date with British news while I'm here,I saw this.Someone is replacing stickers on the tube in London with awesomeness

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-19858746

"No eye contact. Penalty £200."

"We apologise for any incontinence caused during these engineering works."

"Peak hours may necessitate you let other people sit on your lap."

So very funny.I needed a laugh today.

Ulsan festival

The festival itself was ace.however I went with a girl from the UK n her friends.ive hung out with her twice before so I thought we were sorta becoming friends as she's invited me to 2 nights out.

Anyway,at the festival things seemed to be ok,I still felt out of place as these guys been friends for a year.the guys went off to get some food,she went to the toilet with another friend,I was sat on my own after 15 mins I knew she wasn't coming back.
Fucking bitch.she could have just told me to go home I'd have had more respect for her.i felt like I did in school when I was being bullied.Left alone my first week in a new city and country at a festival.I pondered what to do for a few mins I thought fuck it ill stay.got myself a beer n sat down.
A guy called matt started talking to me,we had quite a bit in common wet to a bar after then back to his,we agreed to go on a date this weekend wether or not it will happen is another thing.

culture shock - stage 2

Ok,day 3 having looked into transferring jobs in korea it seems really complex.basically im stuck.I thought Ulsan would be bigger but it's really quite small.i should have gone to Seoul.
I went out last night with two Irish girls who live down the road.they were great and for that short time I felt normal.
I am going for a drink tonight with my next door neighbour who's British,Monday I'm going to look round the city with a girl I met from Manchester.So I'm meeting people that's good.
I still have feelings of what the fuck have I done? I'm basically doing 10 hour days with a 20 min break,this is not what I agreed to,but as the other foreigner teacher pointed out,the contract is ambiguous and can be bent changed to what they want,contracts don't mean much in Korea.

I have skipped stage 1 - romantic view of Korea,as I have been here before I'm straight into stage 2- depression,anxiety,confusion,lack of confidence it's horrible.one day at a time.im doing this so I can train for a career I want must keep that in mind.everything passes I worked out I just need to do 4 or 5 months and ill have tuition fees then I can go home.
in the mean time I'm trying my best to learn and grow from this.

First night in Korea

Leaving was emotional. Still horrible thinking i wont see my family friends for a year.i wont think about it,its not constructive.
I'm in bed in my new flat in Ulsan which is actually quite big.once I've got it sorted ill take pics or make a video on my iPhone.
Feel like a Barclay card add,I'm too tired to write anything properly.

Travel from Hobbit ville ( mum and dad live literally in the middle of nowhere) 2 hours

Manchester to Dubai -8 hours
wait in Dubai 3 hours- thankfully I met this British guy in a Que. we ended up chatting totally killed the 3 hours.

think we both needed to talk having had 8 hours of science.I do not cope well with not having the opportunity to talk he was the same way haha..must be a English thing.

His name is Matt,plays piano,is a music teacher,lived in london ,graduated from Leeds college of music ( one of the best music schools in the country) so we had lots to chat about.interesting guy.
We swapped details so ill drop a friendly email when I get the net.

Could end up being a friend Some of my best friends I've met in similar situations.

Lina being one of them,we met when she came to view a room in a house I was renting.the and lord was a cock,basically my credit card was nicked maxed out while I was on holiday,he moved this dodgy guy in,this dude broke into my room n stole my credit card...anyway I took Lina into my room told her not to move in under any circumstances.
she saw my shoe collection we bonded lol.

Back to Matt,He's in Singapore teaching music,plans on going to the states or Australia next year.travel buddy ? Maybe you never know.

Dubai to Seoul 8 hours. So very tired.this weird middle eastern guy kept staring at me.I started to wonder if by some weird fluke he'd seen me on a calendar or something.highly unlikely he was prob your bog standard creep.

first day tomorrow,I'm being picked up taken to the school.
I don't know if I'm teaching.I asked the agency,they were un sure.Im glad ive done this before I'd be fretting if not.

The apartment is furnished, so I've put the tv on for some noise so I don't feel so alone.theres a few channels with English shows,I think for the engineers,army,teachers that are here.

I did purchase a subscription to British and few American channels online such as Adult Swim.no adds,fast streaming - jobs a good un.wont be able to make use of it till I get my Internet sorted.

It's sad,I need my fix of BBC documentaries,channel 4 comedy and of course the best cartoons..I can't be the only person who watches the human planet,or walking with dinosaurs followed by metalopcypse or American dad ? Lol

Sleep for me now.

First day

As I expected it was crazy,i enjoyed teaching,but I am worried

I woke up this morning and saw the true state of my apartment. The girl must have been a smoker.

The contract said 2pm - 8pm with a hour break

Actual hours are 2pm- 10pm with 20 min break, 10 mins between lessons which is spent doing a lesson check.

I was told I could choose my holiday time,I can't and I only have 6 days holiday a year!! The rest is taken up wit h Korean holidays of with there are 10 per year.that makes up my total of 16 days a year as stated in my contract.3 I have to take in winter and 3 in summer.

There is no Internet in my apartment,the director said the owner lives on the fourth floor would sort it.i went to the fourth floor,no one was there.i don't know what to do,as before Internet was provided.ill email Sally the recruiter ,try the guy on the fourth floor.he might be in this time.

The other forgiven teacher is leaving after 3 months.I asked why she just said she didn't like it.a new teacher is coming here in 2 weeks.a British guy I hope he's decent.

I asked the director why I'm working till 10,she told me those were the hours and I should be flexible.

I complained to the recruitment agent sally about the apartment.she told me they were cleaning the one across the hall I would move in a week.I don't believe her,I asked why wasn't this done prior to my arrival,she said they didn't know the state of my apartment till a few hours before I came.I get the feeling I won't be moving.

They gave me info that they would be taking 300,000 won £180 for 3 months out of my contract and I would get it back in 6 months! Why? they didn't give me a answer,they just said I would get it back with interest.I then had to teach couldn't take the matter up any further.

If this is the way they treat people I don't know how the girl pervious to me stayed two years,which is the main reason I took the job,I felt after our long conversation it would be a reputable place to work,why would someone stay 2 years if it wasn't?

Today I'm going to have my health check,hopefully open up a bank account and email a different recruiter to see if I can find another job,ill also post on some message boards as back ups.i really do want to give this job my all but all this screams terrible place to work.
two hours extra really I'm not happy about that plus everything else :s

Ill also try a foreigner bar.then it's 4 days off as its their holiday,ill go to Seoul I think to see a Korean friend I met before and a friend of Chris from home who has just moved there.

I'm hoping this is all something I can sort out with my employer.

Kid Archetect

I'm sat in my room packing, I have the most tacky luggage, why do I own a luggage set that looks like it belongs to a stripper? I'm willing to sacrifice style for the ability to quickly locate my luggage. slightly embarrassing if it ever goes missing ' er...yeah its a medium size suitcase matching carry on in ...in erm zebra print lol

im taking a break from packing,waiting for my apple crumble to bake and listening to Kid Architect.
 i hear some of my favorite bands yet they are still unique.their album really is a journey,produced perfectly, the guys voice fits the style it melds together

 I found them through looking at a friends  photo album on Facebook. I saw this guy who had in my mind a remarkable resemblance to Russell brand, how weird,without even thinking I clicked his profile,saw he was in a band with a cool name had a listen. instantly thought ill buy that.

I downloaded the album got talking to mike and Clint,totally awesome guys who of course have the best taste in music. If I ever do go to DC ill wanna see them play. that bar looks pretty cool too.

PMDD

It's 4am Had a dream about my ex and i can't sleep I have cramps and I feel deflated.

I haven't had a dream about graham in a year or something.it was recalling the last conversation we had when he said "do I really want to be with someone this moody before their period"
even though I'd never want him back In my dream this over whelming fear came over me that I might not be loved due to this condition I think basically due to his rejection.

I know that this insecurity is all part of the hormone change,but I hate it.It feels real at this moment in time.Im really fighting now to stop myself going down a spiral linking things together.

My ex matt when I'd feel over emotional would give me a hug,let me cry,tell me he loved me.it worked even though I knew due to his mild autism he didn't fully understand.
I suppose that's what I need now,unfortunately I'm single.

Another example of this over sensitivity its crying over TV shows. I'm odd that I don't cry at romantic comedies,but strange things set me off.
This time Dr Who pushed my buttons .I'll admit I would normally feel compassion for a character in a tv show,even if its a cartoon.Disney walle aww.the tears only come when I'm pmdd.

In this -dr who set in the future the world had burnt.
England had captured the last in the species of a alien creature that could travel through space.thus saving humanity by humans piggy backing on him.
Anyway,turns out that this alien had given itself freely.they weren't aware and had been torture it for hundreds of years in the believe that's what they needed to do to ensure it didn't eat them or whatever.
They stop with the torture,the alien stops screaming and they end up travelling faster.happy ending
It's totally retarded that this made me cry,it's a creature that doesn't even exist! :s

I'm working on the emotions that come with pmdd,hopefully ill look back at this and I will have improved.

Nick the prick

I expect politcians to lie,however when I voted Lib Dem I thought they would stay true to at least the pledge of not rising tuition fees.


Doesn't look like hes getting a that spine transplant anytime soon,instead of standing up to Cameron  he issued this apology.

Sorry just isnt good enough. This video made me laugh though. 

Going to Korea

This time I wanted minimal fuss. I feel it's better for me this way. I didn't do well last time with the goodbyes,my friends said goodbye individually which was nice.

my friend from my counselling course sent a card to my parents house.

It helped with my fear of being lonely,and ability to do the job.I do think it's natural to have these fears I am going to live abroad for a year.im trying to be positive,i hope it works.

Hot guys and my brain

Recently I started talking to this very hot guy online.

This guy used to be in the airforce and was stationed in Korea,so we started talking about that,which led on to what he's doing now,interests etc.
He's a investment banker and life coach,lives in washington dc,but is from Florida.hes also attends lots of fund raisers for various charities,writes his own songs and plays guitar.mmmm
( I verified this through a google search bad I know but you never know didn't want to be talking to a compulsive liar)

Well,by this point I was defiantly interested in chatting more,so we agreed to Skype.

Then . Holy shit not only is he interesting,he's hot,really hot,to the point where I regress to being a 16 year old with a crush!.this is where me and my brain are no longer friends.

My brain is saying " eep he's so cute,bet he's got a great body what would he look like naked and he's fascinating,"

My mouth trying not to say these things attempts to have a regular conversation.

I begin to smile a lot,like a special child and say things like "thats interesting" and open questions to limit my talk time. till I can beat my brain into submission.
All the time hoping he doesn't comment on my continuous smiling and general stupid behaviour.

he told me it was cute and he liked my accent ( I don't get that, but hey anything that distracts for my annoying ness is a plus)

So,we were talking actually while he was at work,we were talking for hours in between him doing bits of work of course.
Then it turns out everyone had gone home,then he admitted he had googled my name and found my model portfolio.

Feeling pretty embarrassed,as I have done Mostly glamour and nude modelling he told me I looked beautiful,I knew he was single as id just added him on Facebook.

We started flirting,he asked me to send him the pictures and go see him in DC.Things got pretty hot he told me he was getting excited ( yes! Sexually adventurous and confident too) I said we should have Skype sex in a few months if things progress.he was pretty happy with that lol.

This is ace.but I won't get the time till next year,plus it might be just a physical thing with the distance.Nothing will probably come of it.ill still visit just to nothin rather take chances then never find out.

Plus I want to see the white house,museums and galleries.so even if it goes wrong never mind.

Im writing this I suppose this is diary worthy as I'm surprised a guy can still have that effect on me. honestly hasn't happened in ages.

September 11th

This Tragic event still feels unreal.

I was 16 it was my first day of college.That morning I was so nervous but I knew Paul was going to be there it made me feel better.

That afternoon me,Paul and new people on the course who would become our friends Ben, James,Gary and Michelle were walking from college to the centre of Skipton via the canal.Added a picture as its quite scenic I think .

James then got a call,his friend shouting "someone's attacking America"
Me and Paul looked at each other as if to say "as if ".

We were then instructed to stay put,  as James friend  ran from his mums flat telling us to see for ourselves.

So there we were,me Paul and people we had just met a few hours earlier, stood in a strangers flat with the guys mum still in her dressing gown  watching the first tower burning.

Then the second plane hit.shock I made a weird noise Paul said oh my god.

James -people are falling
Paul interrupted with simply 'jumping'.
I actually wanted to cry but the tears didn't come.I'll never forget seeing those poor people choosing to jump.

when the towers fell.we were in shock, just stood there for a few minuets, we didn't actually say anything to the mum, or each other and left.
We  didnt talk  much on the walk back to college.james came out with
"what happens now"
 "war" Paul said it first.
Walking back to college was strange.I felt connected to these people,we had witnessed something terrible.of course up on our return there were no lessons we were told to go home.


I'll never forget that day.such a tragic loss.I do not agree with the conspiracy theories,there was a documentary on channel 5 about it today,I mean really channel 5, come on! this wasn't the government blowing up their own people.I hope one day those stupid theories stop,and let the families put it to rest as best they can.
 The fact is that a large number of people lost their lives its wrong to glorify this by self serving fake stories

it also makes me think about the terror attacks in London,it was the summer holidays my first year of uni, I was working in a call centre in Manchester when the phones were shut down, we were told what happened.Again shock, but panic this time as I have family in london I began to ring round my relations frantically to see if they were ok. Luckily they were.
 Once I got back to my exs mums where we were both living for the summer I saw on the news the buses and attacks on the tube. Just horrific.

I have been thinking about Paul a lot today. I never thought then that 11 years he wouldn't be around.I miss him.

Olympics and Paralympics

Since I've been living at home for a few weeks before I go to Korea my depression seems to be lifting.the pressure of living with a stoner,paroniod housemate who attracted mice,plus having no job must have been getting to me more then I thought.
Anyway i watched all the Paralympics and finally felt positive emotions.:D

I'm proud of the representation of my country in these games,and particularly proud of our medals and the paralympics.I just wish I could have enjoyed them more.i should have realised I was depressed

I  feel there has been a change in the way dissability is viewed.it was quite emotional watching the Athletes achieve great feats despite their difficulties.the physical and inner strength they have is inspiring.

It has been the most successful Paralympics to date.well done Britain :)
I particularly enjoyed the closing ceromony  with cold play and the fantastic fireworks display.

Why I've been feeling nothing-depression

I went to the doctors to talk about the PMDD,he suggested I take the anti depressant all month and not just the two weeks before as he feels I'm depressed.
It would explain the lack of feeling,especially around the Olympics the opening and closing ceremony showed everything I love about britian and why I am proud of this little island.
I should have also been very proud that gold medals were won by athletes from Yorkshire,where I was brought up.we actually won more medals as a county then Australlia..but I was numb nothing.
I'm trying not to take the tablet.I dont like the idea of Doxipin but at least it might kill my sex drive for a while.Being single and having a high sex drive is never good,especially as I only intend on sleeping with men who I am in a relationship with.

this realisation has come at a bad time as I am going to live in Korea soon.
I just hope the busyness of trying to carve a life for a year will help.
I have the tablets anyway,I'll find the name for them in Korean.
I'm determined to make this work.I've had depression before and eventually got through it,I can do it again.
I admit it will be hard what with the added complication of PMDD making things terrible during the week before,as long as I remind myself it's the hormones and the depression I should be ok.

Getting over the Ex

This is what I did to get over my ex.I believe you are going through genuine feelings of grief and loss when a important relationship ends.you have lost your best friend,lover and a future you had planned together.

I don't think people understand that it's a process to recover,I got people saying just put on a happy face,things will come right,date other guys,don't get upset just power through.they all meant well but this I knew wouldnt work for me.

Stage 1 denial- this is natural,the love of your life has just told you it's over.shock kicks in.thoughts of "it can't be, they will realise what a mistake they have made and come back".you may even make excuses for the poor behaviour - I did this,I even blamed myself for his cheating!

Stage 2- it's over! the kitchen floor reset. ( see Russell Kay in a earlier post for this) basically it's where you hit rock bottom,all the emotion comes out,you end up in your flat,at ur mums in a sobbing mess the type of crying where you manage one word a minuet.
at this stage you need to grieve your loss. have friends around you for support.i listened to the cure pictures of you and let it out.

Stage 3 anger- this is good,healthy use it to do the most important and hardest thing cutting them off.delete them from fb, twitter ( lets be honest if they use twitter they are a tit anyway, oh you've been for a piss..how fascinating pale or dark yellow..please).
delete their number,get rid of photos etc. This stops social network stalking( yes you would,we have all done it) and drunk dialling, crying over pics when pissed,which puts you back a stage ( I know myself well enough that getting rid of number and pics was done in stage 2).you are now living in the present.it's time to focus on what makes you happy.looking at their profiles and pics will pre long the pain.don't believe me? Think you can be friends? Imagine the hurt when you see changed status, seeing them all loved up? or pics of someone you think is their new bit of stuff save yourself the pain.delete and block. Music I listened to Ludo love me dead

,
and fink- all cried out

This was so hard for me to cut off.I attach emotions and memories to objects.I still have birthday cards from my 21st and toys from when I was little mum wants to throw away but I keep them.so you can imagine how hard it is getting rid of things that were once so dear to me.it almost put me back to kitchen floor territory,I had to keep hold of that anger to do it.

Facebook took me a hour to get rid of him,for me that was the ultimate it's over.I even deleted my account for a month to avoid all the questions,just contacted a few close friends who I could trust to support me as to what was going on.

Stage 4- depression.I had lots of emotions in this stage.I felt over whelmed,sadness,anxiety,fear that I wouldn't find anyone new etc. I avoid drinking it made me feel 10 times worse,talk to friends family or even short term therapy,try to keep busy or find a new hobby.

Stage 5- you might want to tell people what you've been through this is good and therapeutic.for me I did this but I struggled to figure out why this happened, why someone I loved and put so much effort into making it work could suddenly be so cold.
Your ex may try to make contact,its been a while,they might not like being cut off,the attention you gave them is no longer there they might want it back,They might try to do the friends thing or you might be tempted to make contact for answers.don't keep busy,even if it's the thought that they are now the ones waiting on your news that stops you good.your building your new life,without them.
Don't be tempted to have a relationship too soon,rebounds never work,you are likely to compare them to your ex alot this isn't fair on you or them.

Stage 6- acceptance that its over,your new life and increased self esteem.this is a nice stage.I realised I was over him when I had genuine feelings for another man,thoughts of him with another woman no longer bothered me.if I saw him in the street wouldn't look twice.
I had new goals in place and a new life.

Ito properly get to acceptance it took me a year.I did slip back a stage early on,what I did was write down everything that annoyed me about him,bad points about the relationship.they are not the one,not a perfect person,the reality is especially if they have cheated or physically hurt you,you are a million times better then them.

I don't know who will read this, but it's done me good writing out my process,if someone stumbles across it and it helps them great.

if I could go back ten years..

I've recently been contacted by my little cousin on facebook.Due to family problems ( her dad uncle Simon is a alcoholic which led to her mum segregating her from the family,which is understandable) we werent in contact while we were growing up.
She is just 16. Shes having troubles at the moment due to being bullied at school and going through the regular teenage insecurities. I tried to help her feel a little better by boosting her self esteem,and letting her know that she has many years of fun and adventure ahead.I'm not sure it had any effect but she seemed more positive after our conversation.

Later that night I thought if I could go back in time what would I tell the insecure,depressed 16 year old me.

I think Id start by saying you have as much right to be happy as everyonelse.trust your instincts,dont feel pressure to stick things out,when its not right you will know. ( I refer to relationships here,and my choice to continue with my degree. I knew deep down there was no future in them but I continued on in hope)

Its fine to experiment,but if your doing it to fill a hole,out of boredum and you feel your liking it too much Stop.I am talking here about my drinking and canabis smoking.

I grew up in a small run down town with little to do. The pubs served us underage and we took advantage. I was 16 when I first got hammered. I'll admit it was mostly out of being bored,it was the normal thing to do,and as a shy girl that had been bullied all though secondary school I just wanted to fit in.Instantly it filled a hole,numbed what I now know was depression.I then started smoking weed 6 months later.The first time I got high was at my auntie marys house in london. They are hippies,my auntie had just become t-total but my uncle smoked and still smokes weed, He gave some to me and my boyfriend a joint.I just thought wow, this I like, again it numbed me, After that me and my boyfriend got stoned on a regular basis.

two years later I began to think I could have a problem with drinking and weed. I would go out friday and saturday, get pissed before I hit the pub and get in such states I would often have little memory of what happened in the club. if it wasnt for my boyfriend and going out in a group something very bad could have happened.Even though everyone around me was the same,I just felt there was something wrong.
I think the eye opener was when I woke up on a sunday stinking of smoke ( back in those days you could smoke in clubs) still dressed, minus a shoe,staggerd to the bathroom threw up for what felt like a hour..
I needed the usual hangover cure which was a fry up, pint of orange,crackers and a joint for later. I checked my account I had no money left! shit

I must point out around this time I was pretty damaged, I was severely depressed. I hated everything about myself, to the point where I found it hard to even look in a mirror. I used to self harm.I had actually been self harming for a few years, keeping it quiet and putting on a front going to college, work even in front of my boyfriend etc.

I talked to my auntie about the booze and weed. I broke down,she just said answer honestly, could you go a month without drinking or smoking? I said no. She told me how addiction is like a disease,how some people given the right circumstances and genetics are more likely to have problems. She then told me of all the family members who have had addictions to various things, drugs,alcohol,shopping,sex,love!.
I knew I had to change, I stopped smoking and went 6 months without getting drunk. This gave me a deeper understanding of addiction.

I'd say I wasn't a addict, but a problem drinker and smoker.

I now only drink every now and again and I only smoke weed a few times a year if it's offered.

I'll give my cousin the same advice that was given to me,if she asks of course.

I cant still have feelings for him,surely not!?

I never thought id say this but I think I may have feelings for my ex boyfriend Matt.We were friends first then stayed together for three years.
The reason for the break up,I dumped him we were going in opposite directions,he didnt seem to see things from my point of view,plus his values changed,towards the end of our relationship, we had a heated discussion in which he came out with his views on success "money and power" was his response.We talked about it, then if im honest it was the deciding factor for me to finish things.

Fast forward three years we become friends again. He seems to have grown up alot, he appologised for his behaviour towards me, he actually cried! for Matt thats massive. in three years I only saw him cry once.So weve been keeping in contact,the spark is still there, we have a great chemistry and friendship.Which is great I thought, I was pleased to have a friend back in my life with so much shared history.

i've been on a few dates recently and i've found myself comparing them to him! this is most definatly not the norm for me. If im on a date that guy he is my focus, but now im sat there and he crosses my mind, I find myself thinking, Matt would find that funny,or your bullshitting me,with him I always know where I stand.this one guy I actually told him about matt, even as I was talking I thought why am I doing this,I stopped myself and changed the subject.
I broke up with matt years ago,have been in love since.I was most definitely over it. so Why am I comparing? I might just miss the good times, or miss him as a friend.I suppose I miss him,and the thing that made our relationship different,not finding it or something equal in these guys makes me think about what we had and still have in our friendship. the banter,the shared humor,the way we complement each other, his weirdness,the sense of ease I feel around him

Ill figure it out at some point I suppose this doesnt really mean much, ill be leaving soon to teach in korea for a year. I'll just have to take something positive from it, I know what I want something equal to what we had,and I will always have his friendship which might be all im missing anyway.

30 years of marriage

My mum and dad have been married for 30 years. This is a real achievement considering the divorce rate in the UK,and mum was 18 when they were married.

I'm thankful that they have given me a realistic view on marriage, with them being together such a long time proves that some marriages can stand the test of time.

I know that marriage isnt a bed of roses, once the honeymoon period is over its about growing together,trust,friendship,forgiveness of yourself and them, similar life ambitions, personality traits,communication, shared interests. Its hard work but the rewards are great.

My mum had a affair 16 years in. Part of the reason for this was lack of communication between my dad and her, plus she has low self esteem,and her personality type means she doesn't voice her concerns until she blows up.
so when my dad was unable to give her the love and attention she went elsewhere. she believed Dad no longer loved her,obviously this wasn't the case, since they have mostly worked though it although I know my dad still hurts even after all this time.

A few things  I took from this experience,first I will never cheat.having been cheated on and seen the damage its done to my dad I couldnt put someone through that, let alone someone I had made a promise to spend the rest of my life with.

Forgiveness when you feel its right. For me,as it stands now I know If it was a momentary indiscretion e.g: shagging some random women in a bar, I could forgive that with relative ease providing the reasons were discussed etc. but the lies,emotions,betrayal that goes into having two relationships at once,I'd try but its impossible to say until I am in that situation.I hope that never happens

 communicate feelings in the most honest way possible. I will try to keep my self esteem at a normal level as well as being self aware.
It's not always easy to talk about why your relationship isnt working, It takes courage to bring things up. I think if they would have talked more openly it could have been avoided.

Constantly work on myself esteem and becoming more self aware. Mum said she wasnt sure why she did what she did,I always want to be aware of why I do the things I do so I can grow as a person, protect myself and loved ones.

I shouldn't get with someone who has extremely low self esteem.this is hard for me as I know if I loved someone i'd do anything to save them. I know this from my own struggles with low self esttem and depression. Through looking at the behaviour of  my mum, and friends relationships no one can fill that void but the person.

 I believe someone who has such low self esteem if they refuse to work on it,will look for it in someone else,or it will erode the relationship with jealousy.
My friends ex used to tell him not to talk to pretty girls on Facebook,women at his work would be questioned etc. This insecurity couldn't be fixed,when she told him who he could be friends with despite him telling her how much he loved her the relationship ended.Mum learn that she needed to work on things for herself, others don't.
Its frustrating to watch, I have a friend who has low self esteem, she cheats on every guy shes with because eventually the excitement fades,she convinces herself there is something wrong with the relationship and looks elsewhere.It's a cycle for her. I hope one day she finds the right guy.
So anyway in a attempt to avoid this, I'll only date guys who have it together,a good level of self esteem is a must on both sides,good communication for the relationship to work.

shared interests something my parents have. They have their own interests as well as shares ones.
I think this is important. It gives you common ground but also difference. I wouldn't want to be married to someone who liked all the same things as me, and we agreed on everything.It would be a little strange. Even if its something like they play golf I take photos whatever as long as differences as well as shared interests are present.

Being able to laugh. Mum and dad have the same sense of humor,being able to see the funny side ive seen defuse many a tough situation with my parents.that's important,to be able to laugh at random  and serious events, plus I have a quirky sarcastic sense of humor that some people just don't get.

give and take-mum and dad have a balanced relationship,even though its been more traditional, mum stayed home with us when we were growing up dad was the main bread winner. I dont see that my mum was 'just a housewife' she was and is a strong woman.

So, yeah I think i've learnt alot from my parents relationship. I'm greatful to them for sticking it out having no money,the affair,family problems,work stress etc. Without it I dont think Id have the insight as to what it takes to make it work.

I only hope that if/when I get married I can celebrate a 30 year anniversary. 

Pranks I love them

I love a good prank and banter.one of the things I miss about a relationship is that back and forth prank/ banter thing.

I remember when me and my ex were building some flat pack furniture,the last bits were delivered while he was at work. I unpacked it, hid in the box got our house mate to seal me waited for him to come home. as he was opening I jumped out at him, n he shit himself haha.
I've had some good ones played on me too,when I was at uni me and my friend mike would hide eachothers things,just play jokes on eachother.
One day I was due to meet my then boyfriend Matt.He hid one of my shoes in the Ceiling under a tile! after a hour of looking I looked up and saw a shoe lace poking from underneath haha.

I saw this on you tube,it might be fake but I thought it was genius,the level of detail.it's the vibrator,contraception pills that really cracked me up. Ney..ney..hahaha

Dear hormones

i hate you! I've always thought my PMS was worse then average. I went to the doctors as I was in so much pain, discovered you are to blame.

 Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) is a severe form of premenstrual syndrome (PMS). Like PMS, premenstrual dysphoric disorder follows a predictable, cyclic pattern. Symptoms begin in the late luteal phase of the menstrual cycle (after ovulation) and end shortly after menstruation begins.

 so it begins the invasion of my body and mind. like clock work the week before my period.
I bloat so much that I go up a dress size.  from a size 8 ( a us 6 ) to a UK 10 ( US 8), I have bigger clothes that I wear for that week, my boobs get sore,I have cramping so bad sometimes i'm physically sick.

then comes the emotional havoc. 

• feelings of deep sadness or despair- i cant see a way that these moods will ever stop.i know your coming again next month..how thoughtful
• feelings of intense tension or anxiety
• increased intense sensitivity to rejection or criticism. you turn me into that woman i despise. overly sensitive and annoying.
• Person : you have a few spots, stressed? me: omg im a fucking grease ball,I look like a victim of a medieval disease..must cry when I get home.
•  My only conciliation,like a crappy character in a bad horror movie I know you will be gone in 7 days
• panic attacks- yes i have them, they  are horrible and result in me vomiting if i don't calm myself down.they come on it times of repressed stress.fuck you!
• rapid and severe mood swings, bouts of uncontrollable crying
• lasting irritability or anger, increased interpersonal conflicts, i keep myself quiet in my room so i dont effect people. Goodbye social life.
• apathy or disinterest in daily activities and relationships- i just want to be alone i don't want people to have to deal with me this way, Jekyll and hyde..grrr
• difficulty concentrating- being curled up in pain and vomiting will do that to you
• chronic fatigue-  im tired and cant seem to get a good nights rest,so i feel zombiefied.
• food cravings or binge eating-  give me chocolate NOW
• insomnia or hypersonia; sleeping more than usual, or (in a smaller group of sufferers) being unable to sleep...ugh
• feeling overwhelmed or feelings of being out of control- fuck you
• increase  sex drive-great, Lets make the crying,binge eating jabba want to fuck even more then usual.what a nice reminder that i'm single and haven't had sex in a while grr

thanks hormones for  turning me into a bloated, overly horny, emotional wreck
Signed
your body

Pugs not drugs

I'm bored waiting for my ex in the states to come online,cant wait to chat about batman! hes a film geek too so we have long drawn out conversations, would send most people to sleep. Im interested to see what he thought of Anne Hathaway as cat woman.I thought she was amasing,such a slutry strong performance, I want that oufit, its the perfect bedroom/Halloween costume,I should start looking.

anyway,apart from babbling on here, pug videos are keeping me entertained, finally led me to purchase  ' pugs not drugs' t-shirt.  saw Russell Howard wearing one (obviously not this girly cropped one, although I reckon he could pull it off :) ),instantly thought 'that has to be mine!...i'm sooo cool pahaha. It will take pride of place with my goonies and zepplin shirts

 pugs, awww their cute wrinkled faces,big eyes, very loveable. One day I hope to have a rescued pug,I shall call him Dexter :D

 I hate the idea of breeding, I saw a video on pedigree breeding, someone posted on facebook It shocked and disturbed me.

My family  have always had rescued pets,they either found us,Elsa turned up at our door step as a malnourished kitten or we happened to come across them. Flossy our other cat, was found dumped in the brambles,cold and wet, poor little thing. We took her in, now shes all happy and abit fat ( mum over feeds them,she does the same to me when I go home ha )

Star -Spangled Banner

so we've had the royal wedding,the jubilee,and now the Olympics.I should be feeling all warm and fuzzy about England. I'm not. In fact I dont really feel much of anything.

Of course im proud of what we have acheived, we have a rich history,I like our arcitecture, countryside and the fact we are a multi cultural society.Yet I still feel well 'blah' about it.

I think its because I dont see my future here, and ' god save the queen' does nothing to make me feel much of anything. ( perhaps when im watching england play but maybe thats more the excitement of the match) 

I actively listened to Star-Spangled Banner. it struck me as everything a national anthem should be. No wonder Americans seem to feel so much pride and belonging, Im sure I would too.

Some people really dislike America and its people. I have to say every american i've met has been intelligent,charming,and a pleasure to be around. I like their confidence and drive for success.
 in England We tend to be self deprecating, looking on the negative side.Although this is the basis of our  humor its not very productive.  We could do with more confidence and positivity

Kind words

I was talking to my friend on a app for the iPhone.I was feeling pretty down.

he really cheered me up,actually made me cry a little.I'm humbled that he sees me in this way,and happy that I can be there when he needs someone. Anyone that I consider a friend,even if we don't see eachother often I aim to be the friend and person he says I am :)

I'm keeping what he said,adding it to my diary so when I'm feeling like I'm not achieving,or frustrated I can view his kind words.

Thank you xx

Phone Sex

The job situation is beyond terrible now. with modelling jobs being non exsistant,I cant find a job that will fit around studying.
the last job I went for, they had two positions. So many applied they had to have three sets of interviews to narrow it down to the final two. I felt like I was on a poor mans britians got talent, each week Id have another hour long  interview, then wait for friday on a phone call to see if id made it to the 'next round'.

I made it to the final, but, like a obese  X Factor wannabe,  I was rejected. the reason? 'they didnt think my personality would 'fit in the team'.

maybe I wasn't perky/blonde enough, I did notice the office was full of tango girls, perhaps my pale skin offended them, who knows. Ive worked in bigger offices,and for more successful companies then them and never had a issue

whatever, I had other worries like how was i going to pay bills? I neeed money quick.I looked at work from home and discovered 'adult phone actress'. Yes, its the nice way of saying phone sex worker.
well,I thought the pay isnt bad, its not as if i'm new to it ( ive had phone sex many times with my ex boyfriends) and im pretty open minded, ill just do it see how I get on.

I rang the agency, the lady informed me my information would be kept private at all times etc. I made up a few slutty characters and away I went.

I was surprised, the majority of my callers want to be dominated. this is funny to me, its exactly the opposite of my personality.

the first guy wanted to call me mistress,call him names. make him wear his wifes underwear and give him tasks to do around the house?!..so I just let rip,

me: you sorry sack of shit, you make me sick
him: yes mistress
me:  shut the fuck up
him: silence
me: ...you fucking  freak.. crawl on your hands and knees...all the way to the bathroom
him: actually crawling .. :S
me: take the loo brush handle in your mouth.... and clean the toilet with it..do it slowly. at this point I put him on speaker and started to fold my washing. after about 10  minuets I heard mumbling
me: is it clean?
him: yes mistress
me: your pathetic

then that was it he came

the next one was a foot fetish guy.. ewww, I hate feet, I hate my own feet, looking at others feet, esp when they wear flip flops..summer and hoildays are yucky for me because I cant help but notice them all sweaty and discusting blah so this guy was a nightmare for me.

I just let him do all the talking and made a few mmm yeah noises, at one point I got my heels and walked them on the wood floor so he would think I was walking in heels, the are too fiddly to put on, little straps and such, and if im honest I couldn't be bothered.
that was it he paid for 20 minuets but came in 10, the heel noise must have done it.

the other guy rang for half a hour, he had a fantasy about his wife cheating on him.
This I don't get but I went along with it. I described her getting fucked by his business partner ( his suggestion) and he loved it. He added his own bits like how they were going to screw him over take his business leave him a shell of a man.
It left me wondering what would possess someone to have such a fantasy?

I'm hoping I only have to do this until I get a job in korea, or indeed another job, but in the mean time its  at least im paying my bills.

parasomnia-sleepwalking

I have sleep walking and sleep talking episodes.This normally happens when im stressed, or sleeping somewhere new, its even happened on holiday before.

it ranges from just saying a few random words,waking up not knowing where I am, and  full conversations.

 Matt my ex said we had a detailed conversation about the tv show Dexter at 2 am,apparently I was laid there with my eyes open. He assumed I was awake,we always talked before bed so to him it was just another conversation,until I started talking about cheese?!

 When I actually get out of bed and sleep walk I have my eyes open,my exs say they just tell me they just to go back to bed, my sister was cruel she apparently hit me with pillows till I went back to sleep.

ive been single for a while now so the only evidence of my sleepwalking are the changes in the morning.For example waking up in a bed made on the floor from spare bedding 
I keep spare pillows etc  in case I have company,I assume I was dreaming that  I had a friend needing a bed I slept on the floor. Yes weird, but not as weird as this.ive started half waking up during nightmares,I sit up in bed and hallucinate what i'm dreaming, I can move so its not sleep paralysis, ( I really feel for those who suffer with this,the fear must be similar to what i have but they are trapped so I can only imagine its worse)

I dream there is someone in my room, I sit up look over I see a shadow or somthing then its gone,or im dreaming there are spiders in my bed,I can see them crawling then I move and they go. its at this point that I wake up,fully awake im freaked out all hot,pulse racing,confused the whole thing must have been a few seconds but eeep, its horrible.

I spend the next few minuets checking my room, or walking downstairs just to check noone is there ( silly I know) for my own peice of mind so I can go back to bed.

ive got no idea why I remember these sleep walking episodes and not the others.I'm going to keep a track of them, if it keeps happening I might go to the doctor, its that disturbing.

Life and music

It's been a tough few months.

Paul,my friend since school tragically passed away.

I'm getting upset just thinking about it.He was the most caring,funny,down to earth honest guy I've ever had the privilege of knowing,I was lucky enough to have him as a friend.

He was there for me at the some of lowest points in my life,his kindness made me feel less alone,always put a smile on my face.I never told him what his friendship meant to me,I hope on some level he knew.

He basically had to much to drink at a christening,started being sick in the taxi,was taken to hospital and died.He was 27.
a autopsy was done ,but the exact cause was unknown. drink was a massive part of his passing.

It still seems like one of those stories you read about,you never think it will happen to someone you know.

I miss him

My auntie,who has been struggling with terminal cancer for a year passed away a couple of days ago.

She was in her 50's.I always looked up to my auntie Naomi, she ran a hotel in Scotland that she started from scratch, was a amazing cook.her hotel wad awarded 4 * with her cooking,at the same time brought up 3 children.

despite the terrible events of her life,her husband leaving her, my cousin tragically deciding to end his life,which started her drinking she eventually came off the alcohol,became a grandmother and always had time for her family.

We used to go upto her hotel at new year,shed make a big fuss,have a bag pipe player,give us rooms, really made us feel special,despite having a hotel full of guests.( my family is huge,granny had 14 children,there were about 13 of us in total who used to go up)

Unfortunately she had stopped drinking too late,the fact she smoked didn't help this was a major contributing factor when she was diagnosed.

She wasn't in much pain when she passed,she said she wasn't scared and was ready.Brave right to the end.

These recent events make me think of when my granny passed away two years ago,how I will miss all of them.

I know they will live on in my life,and the life's of those they touched.

This poem is beautiful

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.


All we really have is the present,the past and the future don't really exsist,while Its healthy to view the past learn from mistakes,good to make plans for the future,shouldn't let that effect the present.

Saying things like " I'll be happy when I have x" isn't constructive

But anyway,all this has left me feeling lonely and detached im trying to live in the present. I use something I'm passionate about to try feel connected.mostly I use travel,photography,art and music.
Music is the most accessible and most effective.throughout my life I have loved music, certain bands and songs have a special place in my heart. Some are the cure, zeppelin, Oasis,blur,Nirvana

A friend told me to listen to these bands

Choir of young believers- no,not a cult Tom cruise would be part of,which were my first thoughts,ha. A totally ace band

Active child

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B-OoisekXIA&feature=youtube_gdata_player